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Hurts so much.... UntiedHorseSpirits Due December 18; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Missouri 5902 posts
Aug 21st '09

I have held off posting here until I felt I was truely ready to start grieving. I'm still trying to face it all even now...I have held it at bay and distracted myself and cried many nights by myself. When I feel I need to cry and let it all out I seem to have no tears to cry or hold some back. It's so hard to put into words how I feel...um the nights are the hardest..when I'm alone and my daughters sleeping and I see something like a picture of my u/s or anything baby related and it just tears my up inside. I felt like I was really the only one that truely wanted this baby and truely cared...and then when I lost it they finally cared...I mean why couldn't it be that way in the beginning..why does one have to say I was really looking forward to more grandchildren..when a while back they were like you can't handle another one...I mean come on..I did everything I could to protect my baby...I even tried to get my dh to help me more and care for the catbox.., but no matter how I ate and what I did..I..I failed miserably...I feel like I failed my baby ....I feel like I let everyone down..god it hurts so much. I can barely even write this post through my own tears. My sister and my cousin are pregnant and I was in the lead. I would of been due jan30th, my cousin 31st and my sister feb 2nd....I thought it was awesome even if they are in other states. I called us the trio, but now it's just the duo and even though I'm very happy for them...when I see a picture or hear about a dr. appointment it just tears my heart up...I mean I wanna know how there doing, but it hurts so much to know I'm not with them anymore...even my due date buddies i was so excited with and getting ready to finally join the thread and I find out I lost my baby. i think deep down inside I knew there was smething wrong, but I just had continous hope it was all going to be ok and I never gave up....even with the u/s with wrong measuremnets and weeks...I just..oh god it hurts so much....I mean to find out you have been carrying your baby that's not alive for over 7 weeks and praying every night thanking god for the baby, not even knowing it was gone. I would be close to 17 weeks now an soon to find out my babies ex and I wish I could of heard it's heartbeat...I found out I had a missed m/c Aug 1st I had lost my precious little spirit a little after 7 weeks and at the time if the baby would of been alive I would of been over 14weeks...and and my stupid body never told me..it just held onto my baby like I was holding onto my hope...and then I had no choice, but to let go. I felt so defeated so ...a failure...then to make it evenworse late Aug 5th to early morning 6th I delivered my baby and didn;t even know what was happening till the pain got closer and closer..i was experiencing labor and all the pains for the first time in my life(my daughter was a c-section) and I went through all that pain...only to pass my baby into the toilet and stare at it before flushing it donw the toilet...I felt so cheated..so worthless..such a failure and then everything just ate at me...I wanted to hold her in my arms and love her, not flush her down the toilet...i want to be able to show my u/s pics and hear the heartbeat..but I know I can't and never will. I mean it was such a blow with my marriage starting go down hill and then losing my baby I just felt defeated and a failure..I'm trying to take it one day at a time and I'm very greatful for my beautiful daughter who I love so much. When I left the ER that one day I stroked her cheek and said at least I still have you..but it doesn;t help with the pain...I know it's only been a few weeks and it seems every saturday that goes by hurts...I'm trying my best to keep everything going and to stand strong, but at night I seem to crumble when no one is looking. I'm sorry I poured my emotions on here I just had no where else to go..and now I'm ...just hurting..trying to deal with it all ...when I feel so lost inside..i wish I could of held my precious spirit once in my arms.., but in my heart she'll remain(I felt in my heart it was a girl, but could of been a boy too and I'll never know) it hurts soo..much..

Niko's Mommy! 1 child; Colorado Springs, Colorado 2067 posts
Aug 21st '09

I am so sorry to hear about your loss mama. It breaks my heart that you had to go t through that:cry:

UntiedHorseSpirits Due December 18; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Missouri 5902 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting missespeterson:
Niko's Mommy! 1 child; Colorado Springs, Colorado 2067 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting
☮LoveAndSerenity 1 child; Kenosha, Wisconsin 52409 posts
Aug 21st '09

I'm so sorry for your loss, hon. As I have told you before, you now have another angel to look over you guys.

UntiedHorseSpirits Due December 18; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Missouri 5902 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting missespeterson:
UntiedHorseSpirits Due December 18; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Missouri 5902 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting ☮LoveAndSerenity:
☮LoveAndSerenity 1 child; Kenosha, Wisconsin 52409 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting
Niko's Mommy! 1 child; Colorado Springs, Colorado 2067 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting
Niko's Mommy! 1 child; Colorado Springs, Colorado 2067 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting ☮LoveAndSerenity:
UntiedHorseSpirits Due December 18; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Missouri 5902 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting ☮LoveAndSerenity:
☮LoveAndSerenity 1 child; Kenosha, Wisconsin 52409 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting missespeterson:
☮LoveAndSerenity 1 child; Kenosha, Wisconsin 52409 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting
UntiedHorseSpirits Due December 18; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Missouri 5902 posts
Aug 21st '09
Quoting missespeterson:
Little Momma 1/13/2010 17 kids; Lynbrook, New York 15818 posts
Aug 21st '09

Uni, I am so sorry you are going through all of this.Child loss is never easy and is a pain I know all to well and never wanted to see someone I care for have to experience. I understand the pain you feel, and believe me, it does get easier with time. Try to focus on healing and your beautiful daughter. Don't hold your emotions in, it is important to let them out in order to help you grieve. Not sure if this is the path you want to take, but I know that for me it was,I asked my doc to prescribezanax. She gave me low dose,and wasn't something that had to be taken everyday, but helped me tremendously with the sadness and enabled me to sleep at night. I will not lie toyou and tell you that you'll wake up onemorning and everything will be ok, if I did it wouldbe just that, a lie, but it doesget easier. Its a process.Things happen for a reason, andbelieve me there is nothing that you did that caused this or could have done to prevent it. I'm here if you need me! Dawn