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Horrible feelings (maybe tmi) Mummyto3boys 4 kids; Turkey 1839 posts
Nov 1st '17

I'm a Mum of 4 boys ages 8, 7, 4 and 2. Back in july of this year i discovered I was pregnant with our 5th child. I felt dreadful, it wasnt expected at all but I quickly came around to the idea as for me abortion wasn't an option. On the 3rd of July I experinced what I believed was a normal withdrawal period as I was taking my pill, correctly might I add. However my bleeding was odd, heavier, and had a sweet smell to it. The same as though I has just gave birth. That afternoon i felt a 'pop' inside myself and blood run down my legs and i actually passed a good sized clot. I was left baffled but i managed with the bleeding it was heavy and painful but I put it down to just a bad period. A few days later i felt sick and tired and it did cross my mind i wonder if im actually pregnant or ive had a misscarriage, i just felt different. I took a test regardless of this period i had all my usual symptoms of my previous babies i guess it was curiosity and i wanted to rule this out just incase. The test came out positive straight away. The following monday i went to my OB, by this point i was wondering if there had just been a bleed because i came off of my pill but i was still pregnant? Or have I lost the baby? Was I imagining it all? Was the test even right? Checking it again and again and seeing 2 lines. I convinced myself nothing bad has happened many women loose blood and pass clots early on, maybe its twins? I have twins in the family and this could be a complication? Well no. The Dr confirmed what I didnt want to hear. My heart sunk, a lump rose in mu throat i held back tears. I felt ridiculous for hurting over an empty sack. I felt stupid for shaking for only the beginings of a precious child that i now only had a positive pregnancy test to prove he or she ever existed. The Dr said that it was a good chnace I had already passed 'it' when I passed the meaty looking what I thought was a clot. Dr was unphased and advised I continued to let nature take its course and would only offer a D n C of it was nessacary, he believed because it was still so early that i would just experience a 'heavy period'. Well it wasnt just a heavy period. Little did i know i was about to embark on emotional hell. My heart broke. My husband was sad for me but i truely believe in his heart he didnt want another child and thats fair to say, 4 is WAY morw than enough. Afterall this baby was in no way tried for. Though 4 months down the line I have only started to mourn. I dont know whats normal and whats not? Regardless of how many babies i have, and Im so thankful for them they are so precious to me, i just cant help but feel a great sense of sadness and hurt for my lost angel. I feel like it never meant anything to anyone but to me my baby would be growing now and moving around inside. Come the 24th of Feb (expected due date) to me in my head my baby would be born. My baby that i mourn for will still be growing up in my world in my head but no one elses. A baby that was a mear 6 weeks seems to means so much. It hurts so much :-( i pang with jelousy at pregnant women on the street and to push me a bit further...a family member is pregnant and she has actually said she got her girls name from us. Knowing full well what i went through. Silly to some, but having no daughters and then having a loss and then having your long awaited daughter name announced as someone elsea baby name has made me feel utterly sick. I had to inform that person after being invites baby shopping with her that im actually very raw about my own pregnany and misscarriage and baby shoppong isnt what i would like to indulge in right now...feeling very bitter right now.  

fluffyruffruff 5 kids; United States 4727 posts
Nov 1st '17

Im so sorry for your loss. I thank my lucky stars that ive never had to experience the pain of a lost baby.... Im sure that what you are feeling is very normal. Give your heart some time to heal. Hugs.

Awkward 5 kids; 2 angel babies; St Cloud, MN, United States 4642 posts
Nov 1st '17

I'm sorry for your loss!!
I lost two little ones, the first in 2013. 
I have no advice, but you are not alone in your heart break and if you need to vent or muse about who  your baby might have been, we are here!
Baby gaga is a great support for us mothers of angels. 
Sending good vibes your way!

Hi_ImBob Due February 5; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Pennsylvania 2188 posts
Nov 2nd '17

It's normal to feel the way you're feeling even though the baby was unplanned and its months later. I had a miscarriage early last fall, we were ttc,and I was devastated when the dr confirmed the baby was gone. Even though I'm pregnant now I still think about the baby I lost, what the gender would have been, what the name would have been, who they would have looked like. I'm excited for this baby to get here but it's not the one I'll never meet, although I wouldn't be pregnant now if I hadn't miscarried but this just leaves the thought in my head of how old baby would have been since I conceived this one around the due date of the one I lost. So every month I think "I'm __ months pregnant...my baby would have been the same months old." It does get easier to think about and talk about but it's always there. Feel better mama!