Reply
Would you let your child have unsupervised visitation Sunshine0302 1 child; Alexandria, VA, United States 4925 posts
Oct 7th '16

My child's dad keeps blaming me for them not having a relationship because I am terrified of letting him take her without me there.  I live in NC and he lives in VA, 2 hours away.  He currently has a suspended driver's license and it's been suspended off and on for about half of my daughter's life.  He keeps getting DWIs, public intoxication charges, and 5 possession of marijuana charges, 2 of which was intent to distribute and sell.  He's got a bunch of other misdemeanor charges too, like driving without a license, carrying an unregistered concealed weapon and things like that.  I know what kind of places he hangs out at and the type of people he associates himself with.  I don't want my daughter around wannabe thugs who carry guns, sell drugs, and get high all the time.  He's been doing this for my daughter's whole life (7 years).  He never showed up to the hospital when she was born so he didn't sign the birth certificate and there is no custody agreement/child support agreement through the courts.  He has paid approximately $600 in the last 7 years (probably less than that, but I'm estimating high).  I had to write an $868 check just to leave the hospital when she was born!  He calls her a few times a month and sees her once or twice a year.  I did take her to VA several times to see him, but as time went on I got fed up.  He's not paying child support, he won't stay out of trouble, he doesn't call her or make an effort to see her yet he still sends me texts acting like he just loves her so much and I am the reason that they don't have a relationship.

Would you let this kind of guy take your child?  I swear, each year I hope he'll clean up his act so we can try to start coparenting but he never does.  Just last year he told me he found God and turned his life around but then after he got caught selling weed and driving under the influence of alcohol.  My mom said I should change my number and not allow any communication between him and my daughter because coming in and out of her life is not good for her.  I am afraid my daughter will resent me later in life if I do that though.  I don't know what to do.  I have never dealt with such a sociopath in my life.

Royal_Lux United States 2660 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting Sunshine0302:
My child's dad keeps blaming me for them not having a relationship because I am terrified of letting him take her without me there.  I live in NC and he lives in VA, 2 hours away.  He currently has a suspended driver's license and it's been suspended off and on for about half of my daughter's life.  He keeps getting DWIs, public intoxication charges, and 5 possession of marijuana charges, 2 of which was intent to distribute and sell.  He's got a bunch of other misdemeanor charges too, like driving without a license, carrying an unregistered concealed weapon and things like that.  I know what kind of places he hangs out at and the type of people he associates himself with.  I don't want my daughter around wannabe thugs who carry guns, sell drugs, and get high all the time.  He's been doing this for my daughter's whole life (7 years).  He never showed up to the hospital when she was born so he didn't sign the birth certificate and there is no custody agreement/child support agreement through the courts.  He has paid approximately $600 in the last 7 years (probably less than that, but I'm estimating high).  I had to write an $868 check just to leave the hospital when she was born!  He calls her a few times a month and sees her once or twice a year.  I did take her to VA several times to see him, but as time went on I got fed up.  He's not paying child support, he won't stay out of trouble, he doesn't call her or make an effort to see her yet he still sends me texts acting like he just loves her so much and I am the reason that they don't have a relationship.

Would you let this kind of guy take your child?  I swear, each year I hope he'll clean up his act so we can try to start coparenting but he never does.  Just last year he told me he found God and turned his life around but then after he got caught selling weed and driving under the influence of alcohol.  My mom said I should change my number and not allow any communication between him and my daughter because coming in and out of her life is not good for her.  I am afraid my daughter will resent me later in life if I do that though.  I don't know what to do.  I have never dealt with such a sociopath in my life.


First he calls a few times a month, then turned into he doesn't call?

Take it to court and allow him to establish paternity. I don't know why you both are playing this game, if you at some point just decide nevermind I don't want you apart of her life. His past priors were probably an issue, before you got pregnant bc lets be real, a man with that kind of background doesn't just jump into a shit person overnight.

αͷtͷmnαƪ Hogwarts, .., United Kingdom 77414 posts
Oct 7th '16

I think a child deserves to have a relationship with their parent and vice versa unless there's a danger to the child. While I wouldn't allow him to have unsupervised visits, I think he should still get the chance to be involved with his daughter.

I think you should talk to a lawyer.

Tσѕнιε 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Derp, WV, United States 10688 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting ᗋuτumnαl:
I think a child deserves to have a relationship with their parent and vice versa unless there's a danger to the child. While I wouldn't allow him to have unsupervised visits, I think he should still get the chance to be involved with his daughter.

I think you should talk to a lawyer.


I agree with this. 

NinjaSquirrel United States 8146 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting ᗋuτumnαl:
I think a child deserves to have a relationship with their parent and vice versa unless there's a danger to the child. While I wouldn't allow him to have unsupervised visits, I think he should still get the chance to be involved with his daughter.

I think you should talk to a lawyer.


yep

fluffyruffruff 5 kids; United States 4721 posts
Oct 7th '16

Take him to court for child support and request supervised visits. If he has a history of drugs or violence, your request will likely be granted. Good luck.

lamb_nodules 2 kids; United Kingdom 3728 posts
Oct 7th '16

Not unsupervised, no. 

Double Jeopardy 1 child; 1 angel baby; Seattle, WA, United States 19389 posts
Oct 7th '16

You should have a court order for visitation and child support in place and go from there.

Sunshine0302 1 child; Alexandria, VA, United States 4925 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting Royal_Lux:

First he calls a few times a month, then turned into he doesn't call?

Take it to court and allow him to establish paternity. I don't know why you both are playing this game, if you at some point just decide nevermind I don't want you apart of her life. His past priors were probably an issue, before you got pregnant bc lets be real, a man with that kind of background doesn't just jump into a shit person overnight.



Yep, he was this way before I got pregnant.  I don't feel like I am playing any games.  Just waiting around for him to get his shit together.  Why do I need to drive her to VA so he can see her just because he is not allowed to drive.  I'm not going to say that she can't be a part of her life.  I have never said that.  I have an open door policy.  He can see her when he wants as long as I'm there.  I said that's what my mom wants me to do, but I don't want my daughter to end up resenting me in the future if I were to do that.

Sunshine0302 1 child; Alexandria, VA, United States 4925 posts
Oct 7th '16





Quoting ᗋuτumnαl:
I think a child deserves to have a relationship with their parent and vice versa unless there's a danger to the child. While I wouldn't allow him to have unsupervised visits, I think he should still get the chance to be involved with his daughter.

I think you should talk to a lawyer.



I agree that he should get that chance.  And he's been given that chance over and over and over.  I invite him to soccer games, birthdays, Christmases.  Even when he could drive, he would not show up.  He wants it easy.  He wants me to bring her there, drop her off and then come back and pick her up.  He doesn't want to do anything, or take responsibility for anything.  I don't have a problem with them spending time together.  I just won't allow him to take her alone and that's not good enough for him.  He knows that if he would clean up his act, I would be more willing to let him take her.  I've told him that.  That never stops him from getting arrested though.

Sunshine0302 1 child; Alexandria, VA, United States 4925 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting fluffyruffruff:
Take him to court for child support and request supervised visits. If he has a history of drugs or violence, your request will likely be granted. Good luck.



He will not be able to pay child support.  Maybe with the weed money he makes, but that's off the books.  He barely makes anything at his legitimate job and that goes to various lawyer and court fees he has.  If CS is setup, he'll just end up getting in trouble for dodging it.  I can't stand him, but I'm not going to do that.  If I thought I could actually get some financial help by going that route, I would.

NinjaSquirrel United States 8146 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting Sunshine0302:


Yep, he was this way before I got pregnant.  I don't feel like I am playing any games.  Just waiting around for him to get his shit together.  Why do I need to drive her to VA so he can see her just because he is not allowed to drive.  I'm not going to say that she can't be a part of her life.  I have never said that.  I have an open door policy.  He can see her when he wants as long as I'm there.  I said that's what my mom wants me to do, but I don't want my daughter to end up resenting me in the future if I were to do that.


Because it is about her - not you.

Sunshine0302 1 child; Alexandria, VA, United States 4925 posts
Oct 7th '16

 




Quoting Double Jeopardy:
You should have a court order for visitation and child support in place and go from there.



So a judge, a stranger who doesn't know us, can decide that he's fine and let him take her?  I can't take that chance.  All I want is for him to stop getting in trouble and get some help for his substance abuse issues.  The judge may order temporary supervised visitation but he'll just put on his fake best behavior and get unsupervised within months without having changed anything.  

Sunshine0302 1 child; Alexandria, VA, United States 4925 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting NinjaSquirrel :

Because it is about her - not you.



Seriously?  I'm working a full time job, going to school, making my pay check stretch to support my child on my own, taking her to the various activities she's involved in and I'm supposed to regularly carve out 5 hours out of the weekends to drive her to and from VA because he refuses to grow up?  There are already not enough hours in the day as it is.  With no help with gas money or anything?  I am supposed to spoon feed this guy because he won't step up?  I'm sorry, I do not agree.

lamb_nodules 2 kids; United Kingdom 3728 posts
Oct 7th '16

Quoting NinjaSquirrel :

Because it is about her - not you.


If only the dad shared that opinion.