Sorry if this is all over the place and long. I'm really upset right now.
I recently, at 19 weeks, lost my baby. My closest friend at work is pregnant. She's due about 5 weeks before I was. My brother and his girlfriend are also due about 6 weeks before I was. At first I had a really hard time seeing my friend at work because I was extremely jealous. Understandable if you ask me. I rarely see my brother and see his girlfriend even less so I was happy to not be dealing with that. I just really talked to my friend at work for the first time yesterday and I felt good about it. I didn't walk away feeling jealous or hurt like I have been. I thought I may have finally started to heal a little. I actually thought I was accepting what had happened. Jump to today. My mom called me to tell me she bought a couple of outfits for my daughter and some stuff for my brothers baby. Then she asked me if I saw the 3D ultrasound pictures he has. I told her no, he hasn't spoken to me since I lost the baby. We get off the phone and I lose it. I'm sobbing hysterically, all my feelings of jealousy and pain wash over me like a tsunami. I should be getting ultrasounds. I should be buying outfits. I should be putting together a nursery. I'm not supposed to grieving a child I never got to meet. We still don't even know the sex of our baby and it's killing me. I feel like my pregnancy was a figment of my imagination. A dream I had one night. I'm grasping at proof that it really happened. That my child even existed. This wasn't supposed to be happening.
I was 100% happy this entire week and the thought of one stupid ultrasound sent me over the edge. Somehow I really made myself believe that I was getting better. Now I feel like I'm starting all over again.
Please tell me it gets better. I can't handle these feelings forever.
It does get betterIt is a really hard thing to have to go through especially when are surrounded by pregnant women .. ... you can't think what if kwim... I wish the bast of luck to you !
Oh Kelly. :( I wish there was something I could do for you. But everything you said is normal. You loved that baby, and you will always think of them and miss them.
I can't imagine what you are going through. I think about you a lot and wish there was something I could do. :cry:
It gets better i promise you. I've been there and even though it was an unplanned pregnancy with the wrong person in my life.....that miscarriage killed me and tore me up. But i really do believe time heals all wounds.
I can't even imagine what you are going through, I was so close to losing my daughter a 5 months and even that is unbearable to think about, you are strong and validated for sure in your feelings.
Cry when you want to cry and just let it out, thinking about you.
Kelly, sweetie, you aren't going crazy or doing anything that you shouldn't be doing. Ive been thinking about you so much lately, but ive been so busy with the kiddos. Everything you are feeling is completely natural, and it will get better, I promise. I can understand every single on of your feelings, in fact, I think you are doing amazing considering everything you have been through. My heart just aches for you. When my friend lost her son due to Hydrops and other problems, she didn't talk to me for almost a year because I found out I was pregnant not even 2 months after her losing the baby. She took it as a personal attack on her, despite her knowing that Josh and I had been trying for over a year to get pregnant. I didn't take it to heart, because being beside her for the whole loss, I knew how she was feeling kind of. I know it doesn't compare to actually having a loss of my own. But you will feel better, just give it some more time. And don't feel bad for any of your feelings at all, this is just the natural response. Have you tried reading any things on coping with a loss? Or maybe looking into finding a support group? I am late on responding to htis, but you obviously know that you are not alone in this, there are so many people that love and care for you. Please don't hesitate to PM me, or text or whatever, if you ever want to talk/vent etc. I wish I could give you a huge hug and take all your pain away!! <3<3 Im thinking of you!