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- ♥ - ☆ Stargazer 2 angel babies; Greece 37 posts
Sep 25th '07
I am 18 years old and last Friday, I had an abortion.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was about 8 weeks along. I kept putting off taking a test because I didn't want to know.. But in my heart, I just knew I was. I think it's almost an instinct.. I was in denial about it though. My boyfriend started getting really impatient and he just wanted to find out, so I took a test. After three minutes, we went in the bathroom together and he held up the test to read it. When he looked at me, I started crying my eyes out before he even said, "You're pregnant."

He was very calm the whole time and he waited for me to finally stop crying. He told me that he would support me with whatever I wanted to do. I immediately said, "I just can't do this. I can't have a baby now. I think I should get an abortion." At first, he seemed okay with the idea. But several days passed and I went to Planned Parenthood to take a test there. He came with me and I could tell that something was different with him.. Later that day, he told me that he didn't want me to get the abortion. He wanted to keep our baby. He told me that when he was at home, thinking about what they would do, he just started crying at the thought of them taking away the baby that he made.. He said that he would drop out of college and get a night job, so I could continue through college to pursue my education and he would take care of the baby during the day. I told him I would think about it.

Whenever I thought about having a baby at my age, I became petrified. I couldn't picture myself going through all the changes and then eventually, giving birth. I just felt far too young. But the thing that killed me the most was picturing the disappointment etched across the faces of my family members. Ever since I was young, both my immediate and extended family have had such high expectations for my future. My mother had me when she was 20 years old and unmarried.. Though she eventually married my father (and later divorced him), she always told me that she hoped I wouldn't have children until I had received a formal education and a steady job, so I would actually be able to care for my children in a better way than she was able to with hers. I always agreed with her. My entire family has always had this fear of me getting pregnant fairly young, just like my mom had. They drilled into me the importance of education and college. When I had my first boyfriend, even though I wasn't even remotely close to having sex with him, they then started drilling into me the importance of abstinence or at least birth control. My aunt even called me "trailer trash" and "you'll end up like your mother" when she came over and knocked on my door, opening it to find me sitting all the way across the room on the phone, but my current boyfriend was sitting on my bed. We weren't even doing anything and she called me this!

I have been with my current boyfriend for three years. He's my second boyfriend. I love him more than anything.. He took my virginity and he has been the only one I've ever had sex with. But I knew that the second my family found out I was pregnant, they would attach all the stigmas of teen pregnancy to my name. I knew that they would completely give up on my education. They would think that I'd ruined my life and they would shut me out.. And to disappoint them so terribly would kill me. I also didn't want to ruin my boyfriend's life. I didn't want his family to be disappointed in him either. I didn't want him to have to drop his future for my benefit. No matter if we ever stayed together or not, I would never want him to feel bogged down and like he missed out on life..

I became trapped between the confusion of disappointing my boyfriend or disappointing my family. I knew that doing either one would tear me to pieces.. Especially when my boyfriend and three of our closest, male friends started saving money and trying to find a place for us all to live. All of them wanted me to have my baby and they apparently wanted to help raise it. I tried to smile when they would rub my tummy that had yet to even grow, cooing with excitement about a baby that they all wanted. They would buy me food whenever I was hungry, stop by work to make sure I was doing alright, and take care of me in any way they could. I was distraught.. Whatever I chose, I was going to disappoint someone. And I couldn't decide whom it would hurt the least..

One day, after a lot of thinking, I told my boyfriend that I was really considering having the baby. I couldn't believe how happy he was. I hadn't seen him so happy in such a long time.. He picked me up and he hugged me tight, spinning me in circles. He leaned down to kiss my belly and rub his face against it. But the second I went home, I just broke down. The fear of actually going through with all of it got me and I called him to say I just couldn't keep it.. I told him I wanted the abortion for sure. I could practically feel his happiness draining over the phone.. I told me it was fine and he would support me. That was it. I finally made my decision.

It was hard for me to get everything settled. I had to go through an application process, so the state would pay for my abortion because I had no money of my own to afford it. I was accepted, but then the hard part of making an appointment came. My local Planned Parenthood doesn't perform abortion procedures, so they had to make me an appointment in another town about 25 minutes away.. But they were booked for quite some time and they finally managed to squeeze me in.

This left me quite a few weeks to actually absorb the fact that I was pregnant.. I grew used to the nausea and the particular foods that I was actually able to eat. Though being tired and having to pee all the time was a pain, I was able to continue my classes in college and still keep working. I would instictively touch my belly throughout the day. I would even wake up in the morning with my hand clutching at my stomach, especially as it started to grow a little bigger. At night, if I sat incredibly still, I could even feel the tiniest of flutterings or even a fairly large movement. I wasn't sure if it was my baby or if it was even possible to feel it this early, but I didn't tell my boyfriend, or anyone for that matter.. My boyfriend was enamored with my belly as it started to grow. I am naturally pretty slender, so the little bump was noticeable if I wore looser pants.. But the closer the day came for my procedure, the more he withdrew from talking about my pregnancy. He avoided touching my stomach and I started trying to hide it when we got intimate because I could feel his gaze just resting there and I could see how hurt he was by the look in his eyes. I watched him tearing his eyes away from baby things when we walked through stores together.. He tried to act like he was okay with it, but I could see plainly that he wasn't.

Every night up until my appointment, I cried myself to sleep. I thought it was only because I was afraid of the pain that would be involved.. But the night before the procedure, I was crying and the words involuntarily came from my mouth, "I want my baby." I pushed it out of mind, not wanting to believe that. I didn't want to want my baby because it hurt to want my baby. I tried to forget about it.. The next day, I went through the procedure. I was pretty calm throughout the several hours it took to prepare me.. But I was nervous during the ultrasound, looking at the nurse for any signs that indicated approval as she searched. I squirmed on the table, finding myself wanting to see the screen, just a glimpse of my little baby.. But the nurse turned it completely away from me and hid the pictures after she took them. She told me that I was actually farther along than I'd been told. While I thought I was nearing 12 weeks in a few days, I was actually a day away from 13 weeks. I was floored as I sat in the waiting room, feeling the pills in my cheeks that were meant to soften my cervix dissolving and the tears beginning to build in my eyes as I listened to another girl say that she'd seen her baby on the ultrasound.. While she went on about how cute it was, but how drugged and drunk she'd gotten during her pregnancy, I could barely keep myself from crying. Though I planned on an abortion, I had still taken good care of myself during my pregnancy, eating healthy foods and getting good exercise through walking a few miles a day and yoga. And for some reason unknown to me, I was jealous. I wanted to see my baby, but I hadn't. It wasn't fair.

The emotions came under control after they gave me my valium. I suddenly felt confident, calm, and collected, if not a little dizzy. The abortion wasn't as painful as I had envisioned and the nurses walked me through each step that was happening. But when the doctor and nurses left the room, I found myself drowsily looking at the blood on the table and clutching at my stomach as some very mild cramping washed over me.. It didn't hit me then what I had done. The entire day, I felt pretty good. Mostly relieved that I'd actually made it out with very little pain.. But that night, I suddenly felt panicked. I had found myself waiting for those familiar little flutterings in my belly, but none came. I touched my belly without thinking and my uterus had already shrunk enough during the day for my small bump to have seemed to have disappeared. As my mind waited and waited for the little movements to hit, I fell into a fit of tears.. Nothing. I just cried and cried until I fell asleep, the words coming desperately from my mouth, "I want my baby.. Oh, please, I just want my baby back.. What have I done?"

Since Friday, I have barely been able to function normally.. I think about my baby incessantly and I cry several times a day, thinking about what a mistake I've made. I miss my little baby terribly. I can't believe that I let the disappointment of my family stop me from bringing a life into the world. And after reading a lot of the stories of miscarriage and loss on Baby Gaga, I feel like I just "threw away" the one precious thing that so many people keep wishing and praying for.. I feel like such a terrible person.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night like I used to, when I had to pee a lot because of the baby, and my hand is on my stomach. When I realize it's empty, I just start crying again. My boyfriend has hidden his hurt well, but I can see the pain when he watches me cry and he hears me say, "I just want my baby." He wants to try to get me pregnant again once I'm done healing.. But that just doesn't feel like it would make it better. It won't bring back the baby that I let them take away.. I will still feel this immeasureable guilt. I wish I would have realized sooner how much I secretly loved my baby.. It hurts too much without it there. And I still find myself waiting for those little movements, but they just don't come.. :cry:

"Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over,
I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved
In my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most was being so close
And having so much to say
But watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do..."

-- "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts
*~Terra~* 65 kids; Montgomery, Pennsylvania 32918 posts
Sep 25th '07

Wow. I'm taken for words right now. Whatever decision you made, you must live with. It's going to hurt. What I am trying to udnerstand here is why women feel the need to please everyone else before themselves. It's amazing. You should never have to fear anyone especially your family. If they give you shit....screw them. True love doesnt hurt like that.



I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Kim~lovinmygirls♥ 69 kids; North Battleford, Saskatchewan 5431 posts
Sep 25th '07

I apologize if I come across as a b***h, but here goes. Why would you do something like that just to please your family? If they dont like it then f**k them! Its your life, you have to life with the choices you make, the only way it affects them is by reputation. If you wanted the baby you should have had it, I hate when people go and get abortions then come here and are regretful and everything....What gives you the right to kill your baby when so many people who want babies cant have them? Even if your parents didnt want you to have the baby, or you decided you didnt you could have opted for adoption and made someone elses life so much greater...



Im going to stop here before I get all upset and more of a b***h....I just dont understand how you can come here where women have lost babies without a choice and want sympathy, I am sure any of us would kill to be pregnant with a healthy baby right now....



Again sorry to everyone if I upsent/offended/etc...you guys It just pisses me off and I had to voice my opinion.
~Kim

*WishingUponAStar* 2 kids; 4 angel babies; Lawton, Oklahoma 18442 posts
Sep 25th '07

hayleesmomma wrote: I apologize if I come across as a b***h, but here goes. Why would you do something like that just to please your family? If they dont like it then f**k them! Its your life, you have to life with the choices you make, the only way it affects them is by reputation. If you wanted the baby you should have had it, I hate when people go and get abortions then come here and are regretful and everything....What gives you the right to kill your baby when so many people who want babies cant have them? Even if your parents didnt want you to have the baby, or you decided you didnt you could have opted for adoption and made someone elses life so much greater...



Im going to stop here before I get all upset and more of a b***h....I just dont understand how you can come here where women have lost babies without a choice and want sympathy, I am sure any of us would kill to be pregnant with a healthy baby right now....



Again sorry to everyone if I upsent/offended/etc...you guys It just pisses me off and I had to voice my opinion.
~Kim




I agree with you here Kim. What makes it worse is the b/f actually was happy about the pregnancy too. I think that is really selfish of you and a choice you have to live with. If my family dont want me to have something, I could care less what they think. And a baby isnt just a thing.

Flores_party_of_7 20 kids; Seattle, Washington 17095 posts
Sep 25th '07

You know what's shitty??
That if a man wants a woman to keep the baby that he helped create... he has absolutely no say over it whatsoever. She can go in, at any point in her pg, and legally abort that baby... with no need for him to agree or sign off on anything...



If a woman chooses to have the baby... and the guy doesn't want her too... she can go after him and make him pay child suport....



What the hell is that about? The guy isn't good enough, or important enough to decide that he wants his baby to have life.... but he's sure as hell good enough to hand over a check every month for the next 18 years.



I never understood that....

Kim~lovinmygirls♥ 69 kids; North Battleford, Saskatchewan 5431 posts
Sep 25th '07

Go Terra, you said everything I didnt. And i swear to goodness if someone says they didnt want to give up school...well f**k Look at ME. I finished highschool, graduated ON TIME. f**k i was doing my pre-calculus math homework with one hand because I was rocking my daughter to sleep in the other, that was freaking hard...using a calculator with one hand :lol: maan it was frustrating!! gah im pissed off now :twisted:

*~Terra~* 65 kids; Montgomery, Pennsylvania 32918 posts
Sep 25th '07

Ha, I couldnt help myself.



You know, the day I lost Brayden I had to sit in a room filled with young girls and women having abortions because they didnt want their babies. Only a few of us that were there had been there because our kids were too sick for life on earth. Not too many people know just what I went through that day. I have my family convinced that there were no other women around and they put you in a seperate room all day long. YEA RIGHT. NOT.... These women laughed, chatted and acted like it was nothing. I just could not believe what I was seeing. There I sat, with a child inside of me that was loved very much and wanted so badly. I made sure to tell each one of the girls who talked to my WHY I was there. "I want my baby...he is just too sick and wont live very long....Why are you here"? The looks on their faces was priceless. They didnt know what to say. And it felt good that I shut them up. a*****es! The amazing thing was that the doctors and nurses there knew why I was there and they treated me so differently than the other girls. That helped a little bit.



It hurt looking at each one of those women. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life was holding myself back from not beating the shit out of them. I mean, I seriously wanted to just shake them and say WHY? But I knew that would not solve anything.



I feel much better now. lol....

Flores_party_of_7 20 kids; Seattle, Washington 17095 posts
Sep 25th '07

Ugh... and about that whole "wanting the government to pay for your abortion" bullshit... REALLY???



Uh... shouldn't I get a freakin' say in whether or not my tax dollars help some freakin chick kill off her baby????? That angers me beyone belief!



I would gladly watch my tax dollars by some woman diapers or formula... or help pay her daycare...so that she could finish school....



Grrrr..... :evil:

xoxo. ashleyy 2 kids; Leamington, Ontario 1053 posts
Sep 25th '07

xzaviers_mama wrote: Ugh... and about that whole "wanting the government to pay for your abortion" bullshit... REALLY???



Uh... shouldn't I get a freakin' say in whether or not my tax dollars help some freakin chick kill off her baby????? That angers me beyone belief!



I would gladly watch my tax dollars by some woman diapers or formula... or help pay her daycare...so that she could finish school....



Grrrr..... :evil:



:shock: I nevvvvver thought of that :!:

*~Terra~* 65 kids; Montgomery, Pennsylvania 32918 posts
Sep 25th '07

We probably scared the shit outta her. I didnt mean to. I think... lmao :twisted:

Kim~lovinmygirls♥ 69 kids; North Battleford, Saskatchewan 5431 posts
Sep 25th '07

I MENT TO!!! lmao I dont wanna hear about how shitty she feels after doing what she did....gawd :roll: if I were her bf and she did what she did Id be outa there so f**king fast...I am all for daddys rights



tjsechrist wrote: We probably scared the shit outta her. I didnt mean to. I think... lmao :twisted:
MommyIsMade! - *MJL* Ontario 7021 posts
Sep 26th '07

I only got through the first page, but I can guess what the rest say...!



I understand that this is a "Loss" forum, but it is intended for people who UN-WILLINGLY lost their children... Not for people who were too f**king concerned about how they would look to others, so they killed their babies.



That took a lot of f**king balls to post in here...



I love you girls! <3

Elijah and Adrian's mom 2 kids; New York 1624 posts
Sep 26th '07

ok i have something to say and i know i will probably be criticized for it and that is fine and dandy

first of all i do feel like this was a bit much mainly because it did seem to formal like another woman said ...and it is a slap in the face for those of you who lost ur babies because they truly were too sick to live ...i remember the first time i read about jayce and how he passed because of a rare sickness and the little girl i dont remember her name but half her head was like severed by i think the placenta or the umbilical cord ...and i know how u women have hurt ive clearly seen it thru other post of urs ...in my opinion u are correct this couldve been posted somewhere else

BUTTTTTT

...i also know what the guilt of an abortion feels like and i wont share my story because i want sympathy or anything like that ...i can say tho that if the op was genuine in her post maybe just maybe some of u were a little harsh ...i say that because when i was 16 i got pregnant by a loser who didnt want me or my baby ...i know what it feels like to know i couldnt provide for my child and i also know what its like to sit there and want my child but literally be draaged into an abortion clinic by my own mother to have an abortion ...the entire time i cried and cried and i even tried to fight out the doctors obviously i lost when they sedated me ...i feel like shit to this day mainly because it will be 6 years in 2 weeks that i killed my child and especially right after i had the abortion i wouldnt do anything but sleep ...ultimatly my guilt consumed me so much i wanted to kill myself and i tried it ...im greatful that god gave me another oppurtunity to be a mother because i honestly thought it would never happen ...at the same time i know how the guilt feels ...it literally feels like one is living in their own personal hell ...ever since i aborted my child i havent been the same mentally or emotionnally ...but like i said i dont want ur sympathy i felt like i had to say my piece because yes the op was very much wrong to post this in here but at the same time if she is genuine and is really hurt no one will ever know because u ladies ran her off the site like mara said sufferring is sufferring no matter how it occured ...buttttttt like the other woman said loss unwillingly and loss purposely are 2 different things


in the end i agree with everyone

Elijah and Adrian's mom 2 kids; New York 1624 posts
Sep 26th '07

HelloKimmie wrote: I understand where everyone is coming here...




HAZEY: That was my daughter, her name is Isabelle and it was an amniotic band that caused the amputation, thank you for remembering her. :D



we all are still hurting, but seriously guys she's the one who has the live with the mistake everyday, she didn't need everyone here to yell at her...yeah, it wasn't the best place to get support, now I can see if she had NO remorse for her actions then I'd say let her have it...but the girl sounded so damn smart, just naive about the whole situation. She let fear have the best of her. At least she's not one of those people you sleep around, get pregnant and have MULTIPLE abortions. Is this what you guys are going to do to any one that comes here that was wronged?



We have to draw the line somewhere. Let me remind you that I don't support her decisions, but I didn't go off on her either. God wanted that baby, and probably wanted to teach her something, like how we were all taught something when we lost our children, regardless the reason.




I don't know... :(



YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS kimmie i told my mom smoking pot wouldnt effect my brain that much she didnt believe me j/k ....NO but in all seriousness like i said before i read just about everyones stories at one time or another ...and my heart really does go out to u ladies ...i know what its like to wonder what my child wouldve been like right now and the op was naive in her decision ...i know had my ex not have been that much of an a*****e i probably would have kept the baby

Kim~lovinmygirls♥ 69 kids; North Battleford, Saskatchewan 5431 posts
Sep 26th '07

1) Did you read what Mara wrote? She left so nobody is ganging up on her!
2) I dont know where the hell you are from but here all the medical professionals call it interupting the pregnancy, not once have I heard the term "involuntary abortion" from ANY medical person I was dealing with.
3) What Jess and I did is TOTALLY different from what she did. She was selfish in her choice we were not.
4)Her decision relfects who she is as a person, therefore she will be judged as a person based on her decisions in specific situations. at least by me...if she cant stand up to her parents at 18 and say "f**k you im an adult and i want my baby" then it says something about her... that and she went against her bf's wishes!
5)Why should I have to ignore this post? I already ignored 2 other ones that were in here within weeks of this one! Werent you the one saying in another post that this is the internet afterall? As far as I know I can put my opinion whereever the f**k I want on the internet and if I belive I am justified in my opinion I will say so.



ugh there is so much more I want to say but honestly I dont think your worth my time....



softballatlete wrote: Hayleesmomma and MommyInTheMaking- I am by no means saying that you shouldn't have made the choice that you made. In medical terms they still call it an "involuntary abortion" so technically it is an abortion no matter what the reason is. Im just saying how is supporting you for a decision you made that you thought was best any different from supportting a girl who made a similar decission. I never said she was forced into it, I said she felt forced. there is a difference.



I just dont know how the people on here that have been so sensitive towards me with my 3losses could be so insensitve to someone who was looking for someone to talk to and support her... not her decision, but her as a person. One of my former co-workers had an abortion around the same time that my daughter died and I still found it in myself to support her. She was 17 and felt forced by her parents because they refused to allow her to live with them and have a baby. I still dont support the decission she made but I support her as a person, and I understand that while her pain is different from my pain she still suffers from having lost her baby.



If you didnt want to offer the OP any type of support than you should probably have just ignored her post. You all may be suffering and hurt by the fact that she voluntarily gave up her child, but I cant believe how unsupportive you all are towards her. Im pretty sure seeing as how she is in so much pain over this she isnt gonna do it again (and use it as birth control) and Im pretty sure she learned a lesson... So could you all please stop ganging up on her.

user banned 2 kids; Saint Catharines, Ontario 151075 posts
Sep 26th '07

MommyInTheMaking wrote: I only got through the first page, but I can guess what the rest say...!



I understand that this is a "Loss" forum, but it is intended for people who UN-WILLINGLY lost their children... Not for people who were too f**king concerned about how they would look to others, so they killed their babies.



That took a lot of f**king balls to post in here...



I love you girls! <3



Might I ask where it says that it's ONLY for women who un-willingly lost their children?



C.