Revisiting a part of my past.

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The other day, I downloaded the 'Words with Friends' app after about 2 years of not having played it.

I went through my list of people and started up games with them. I came across a name that I'd thought was my sister's, but I was wrong. It was a guy I use to work with 2 years ago. He was a good friend, but the last time we spoke was around May of 2012 when I left my job. 

At that time, I was in the middle of a divorce. I was hanging around bars, drowning my pain. I had my son a few days a week. I dyed my hair every couple weeks crazy colors to help with my pain. I was thinner than I've been in about 8 years. I was suicidal. I messed around with some guys I'm not entirely proud of. I used birth control when I felt like it, not caring of the multiple risks. I blew all my money on whatever I wanted and I was living in my parents attic. I bought a hot new car to piss off my almost ex husband. I had a hellish rage problem if someone pissed me off. I was looking for trouble.

When I began the game with him, I didn't realize it was him until he messaged me on the app. Yuck. It threw me back through the whirlwind of who I use to be. And, honestly, I've been growing increasingly distant from her these last 2 years.

He asked how things were, heard that I'd had another child. So, we got to talking and caught up on all the many things that have changed since we last spoke.

My husband and I fixed our marriage only after I was a complete a*****e and hated him. My suicidal-ness ended with a stint in the psych ward and 6 months of therapy. I weigh about 30 lbs. more now. I care about the consequences of unprotected sex. I may drink 1 raspberrita a week, maybe. I am budget friendly. We moved 2 hours away, out of state. I no longer work, I stay at home. We just sold my bitchin' hot car because it was better off for our family. I don't have rage anymore. The only trouble I search is that in the bedroom with my spouse.

I was afraid talking to him would make me hate myself all over again. It didn't. It helped me love myself
even more now, for all the things I've done differently. It felt nice to catch up with an old friend that surprisingly doesn't hate me for all the things I went through.

We ended the night with a well played game that I lost. 

I guess that's how life goes. You win some, you lose some.

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