Amanda's Web

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I have spent almost half of my adult life trying to get pregnant (except for the almost two years I was pregnant and the two years I breastfed).And I am about 99% sure I can’t get pregnant without major medical intervention, but I still can’t help wondering “what if” the stars lined up this month and we got pregnant. Consequently, I still get my heart broken month after month. My husband doesn’t understand it and I feel sure not many people do…I have two beautiful boys who I love with my whole heart, but I still feel a tiny bit sad every month for the baby that never was.

Back in the early days of trying to conceive, I took my temperature every morning. I agonized over every twinge. I peed on ovulation predictor sticks and then romantically timed intercourse with my willing husband. Once we discovered our challenges, most of that stopped and the problems started. A monthly meltdown was sure to occur once day 30 of my cycle rolled around. I became a slobbering, crying mess on my bathroom floor. However, those “monthly” crying sessions were nothing compared to me dealing with others around me finding out they were pregnant. However, as is often the case, God would teach me a lesson in humility.

One friend who lived down the street called to tell me she was pregnant, I was less than cordial and felt murderous on the inside! About a week later, I got a phone call that she was in the ER by herself(her hubby was out of town) miscarrying the baby.I hightailed it up there and stayed with her until he got back. I sat and held her hand and cried and thanked God I didn’t have to go through a miscarriage (side note:she now has three beautiful children!). Another time, my best friend, at the time, found out she was pregnant, but she didn’t tell me. In their infinite wisdom, our husbands decided the news was best to come from my husband.I was crushed beyond words. I took her news so badly. Not to her, but my heart was so broken to not get to share that moment with her that it made me dealing with her news very difficult. I felt like I wasn’t important enough to hear it from her. If that makes sense?

Even now that I have two little boys, I still feel that old familiar pain when I hear of someone else’s pregnancy. Jealousy rears its ugly head and I have to swallow down the resentment. I won’t ever understand accidental pregnancies. I won’t ever get the panic of “oh no, another mouth to feed!” Each of my children was a very conscious decision. It was well-planned and deliberate and created using hormone injections, ultrasounds, and fancy equipment. The average couple has approximately a 20% chance of getting pregnant every month. This amazes me when I hear of “uh oh’s;” I have “baby-danced” at exactly the right time of month for years with no results.So, when I hear “we only did ‘it’ once,” I am simply amazed at some people’s fortune! For those of us who have suffered infertility, we never get over being infertile. Even when we are done having babies(or nearlydone), many of us will never get over the isolation and unreasonable rejection we feel.Even with the growing amount of people who are fertility conscious, we still don’t quite fit in. I am uber-sensitive when asking others if they want children because I know how that question tears at your soul! I have cried rivers of tears over not being able to conceive naturally.

One thing is clear now, I was meant to have my boys exactly when I had them. They are truly the best thing that ever happened to my husband and I. Should we decide to have more children, I know they will fit perfectly into our lives and fulfill God’s promises on our life because He made a plan for us and He fulfills it every day (“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11).

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