After delivering my fourth and last baby in January, I had absolutely NO qualms when the dr asked me, "Are you absolutely sure you want your tubes tied?" I immediately responded, "Yes" and that was that. It's funny, I never in a million years would have thought something like a tubal ligation could affect me the way it did. After all, I made the right decision. We have received four absolutely beautiful and perfect babies and my health was compromised in my last pregnancy. It was time to put my baby maker out of commission. Right after my csection, I didn't feel anything emotionally. I put all my focus on being there for my son who was in the NICU. It wasn't until a few weeks after coming home and the final realization that I was no longer fertile that it started to affect me. I began crying on a daily basis. At first, I simply thought I was mourning the loss of my son's twins that we lost in utero. But then I started finding myself feeling disgusted with my appearance and feeling old. I felt like somehow, something physically had changed within me as well. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had. And I am still dealing with it.
It's not that I desire to have any more kids.....I don't. But facing the fact that I physically cannot make any more babies is what hurts me the most. I also find myself feeling like I am suddenly unattractive to my husband. Somehow having a tubal ligation has made me feel even worse about the fact that I lost two of my babies. And with dealing with a special needs baby who might or might not live a full life makes that realization even harder to come to terms with. For a while I have thought there is something just wrong with me personally because of how I am feeling. However I finally opened up to my best friend about a week or two ago and realized that apparently this is a very common feeling for women after undergoing a tubal ligation. She had one as well at 6 weeks post partum with her second child because her last pregnancy became too risky for her health as well. She expressed that she is feeling the same way with feeling unattractive and being sad knowing that she can't ever reproduce again. And she also helped me to understand that my feelings are pretty understandable with my specific situation. Sometimes I wonder how any woman deals with accepting this because it feels like it's going to be something I always struggle with the rest of my life and I hate it. I wish there were a way to just get past it and no longer feel sad knowing that I can't have any more children. It often feels like I am going to hate watching my youngest grow older and hit milestones because it's further confirmation that I'll no longer get to experience the baby stage.