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Step Parent Advice Love Paris 1 child; Beverly Hills, CA, United States 3346 posts
Jun 10th

I am not a step parent quite yet, I am currently engaged. I just moved in with my fiance who is ten years older than me(I am 29) and his 17 year old son. His son does nothing at all around the house and I am just confused as to why everyone in this family acts though this kid is a baby. The day we moved he didn't help, my fiance did everything on his own. My fiance painted our whole place on his own. I bought a new chandelier and instead of my fiance asking his son to help put it up he tried to do it on his own and broke it. The kid does nothing but school( which he skips occasionally) and makes a mess in the kitchen and bathroom. I am getting so fed up and I feel like I can't talk to my fiance about it. The one time I did ask him why don't he ask his to son to do anything he looked at me like I had two heads. I am getting so annoyed. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  I know he's just a kid but he I think he's capable of helping out around the house. 

Royal_Lux United States 2657 posts
Jun 10th

Quoting Love Paris:
I am not a step parent quite yet, I am currently engaged. I just moved in with my fiance who is ten years older than me(I am 29) and his 17 year old son. His son does nothing at all around the house and I am just confused as to why everyone in this family acts though this kid is a baby. The day we moved he didn't help, my fiance did everything on his own. My fiance painted our whole place on his own. I bought a new chandelier and instead of my fiance asking his son to help put it up he tried to do it on his own and broke it. The kid does nothing but school( which he skips occasionally) and makes a mess in the kitchen and bathroom. I am getting so fed up and I feel like I can't talk to my fiance about it. The one time I did ask him why don't he ask his to son to do anything he looked at me like I had two heads. I am getting so annoyed. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  I know he's just a kid but he I think he's capable of helping out around the house. 


I can think of some positives about your fiancés 17yr old, (although he sounds lazy) it sounds like you are blessed without any Major concerns (drugs, rebellion ect). The issue, isn’t his son. You should be capable of sharing how you feel to your fiancé (about blended family dynamics) and come into some sort of agreement on house rules. The house rules should’ve been a topic before you got a place with the teens Dad. The teen honestly sounds bored. If you wanted him to help paint the house, some sort of incentive should’ve been mentioned (inviting his friends over, some kind of an allowance ect). I don’t agree that just because he’s 17, he needs to help with everything being done in a house that you and his dad bought together. He’s just an addition to whom you’re about to marry, not an extra worker for house projects. 

lamb_nodules 2 kids; United Kingdom 3728 posts
Jun 11th

I agree, I don’t see why he would be expected to paint and decorate your house? And I also agree your fiancé shouldn’t be doing it himself - you should be helping! Why did the poor man have to paint it himself? Surely you can work a roller. 

He’s 17. None of the behaviours you describe are outrageous or not typical for a 17 year old. Sounds like it’s more about him being his son than anything else. 

Britny Due February 18 (boy); 3 kids; 1 angel baby; ,, ,, United States 20372 posts
status Jun 11th

Just taking a seat to watch 

Super Happy

.casper. 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Neverland, NJ, Christmas Island 2009 posts
Jun 11th

Where were you during the moving, painting and chandelier putting up? Why couldn’t you help so your fiancé didn’t have to do it all by himself?
im guessing that at 17, and almost an adult, he isn’t all that interested in having someone new in his life to play mummy, and to him you’ll just be his dads new wife, not his step mum. I wouldn’t be trying to make rules and demands for him. I’d speak to your fiancé about it, and tell him how you feel, but he’s 17 and in all honesty, not that much younger than you. You’re going to have to earn his respect and not just expect it the second you move in. He probably need time to adjust

♥Jessie♥ Due November 1 (girl); 4 kids; 2 angel babies; Idaho 14456 posts
status Jun 11th

I completely disagree with the women above. While he is older so he will probably not view you as his step mom I believe in a family as a whole. My kids have to do chores because we all live here and we all take care of our home as a family. If he is living with you be should be helping and contributing in some way. That is preparing him for the real world he is about to enter as an adult. Whether that help be cleaning up around the house or helping paint to make the house livable. These sort of responsibilities is what makes people feel less entitled to everything.  

...B... 4 kids; 3 angel babies; .., .., Christmas Island 1291 posts
Jun 11th

Quoting ♥Jessie♥:
I completely disagree with the women above. While he is older so he will probably not view you as his step mom I believe in a family as a whole. My kids have to do chores because we all live here and we all take care of our home as a family. If he is living with you be should be helping and contributing in some way. That is preparing him for the real world he is about to enter as an adult. Whether that help be cleaning up around the house or helping paint to make the house livable. These sort of responsibilities is what makes people feel less entitled to everything.  


I completely agree with this. Even if he isnt living full time with you, he can help clean up after himself or with family dishes after meals when he is with you. 

Also i agree with some other ladies about you helping with the painting and chandelier. If your stepson wasnt helping, and neither of you asked him to help, you could/should have helped. 

Royal_Lux United States 2657 posts
Jun 11th

Quoting ...B...:

I completely agree with this. Even if he isnt living full time with you, he can help clean up after himself or with family dishes after meals when he is with you. 

Also i agree with some other ladies about you helping with the painting and chandelier. If your stepson wasnt helping, and neither of you asked him to help, you could/should have helped. 



*OP * If you aren’t directly asking and or sharing with the teens father, on how you’d like him to contribute, how do you expect a change? If he’s 17, hasn’t been helping that’s a reflection on how it’s been before you came along. 

I do agree, without a sense of responsibility around the house (picking up after himself ect) he’s being set up for failure as self sufficient adult. However, I’d also think about how your soon to be husband is parenting and if this is really the way you want to bring up any other children.  

The Original Bob 4 kids; 4 angel babies; <3, CA, United States 37757 posts
Jun 11th

Quoting ♥Jessie♥:
I completely disagree with the women above. While he is older so he will probably not view you as his step mom I believe in a family as a whole. My kids have to do chores because we all live here and we all take care of our home as a family. If he is living with you be should be helping and contributing in some way. That is preparing him for the real world he is about to enter as an adult. Whether that help be cleaning up around the house or helping paint to make the house livable. These sort of responsibilities is what makes people feel less entitled to everything.  


ExclamationExclamation 100% agree with all this!

...B... 4 kids; 3 angel babies; .., .., Christmas Island 1291 posts
Jun 11th

Quoting Royal_Lux:

if you aren’t directly asking and sharing with the teens father on how you’d like him to contribute, how do you expect change? If he’s 17, hasn’t been helping that’s a reflection on how it’s been before you came along. 

I do agree, without a sense of responsibility around the house (picking up after himself ect) he’s being set up for failure as self sufficient adult. However, I’d also think about how your soon to be husband is parenting and if this is really the way you want to bring up any other children.  


Yes i completely agree that she needs to have a discussion with the father about what is expected/not expected with this child as well as with any future children. I dont know the length of their relationship but it definitely should have come up sooner, from the sounds of it.

She also should feel comfortable, as an adult in her own home, to at minimum ask the teen to clean up after himself. Regardless if he views her as a parental figure or not. 

Britny Due February 18 (boy); 3 kids; 1 angel baby; ,, ,, United States 20372 posts
status Jun 11th

Glasses

Royal_Lux United States 2657 posts
Jun 11th

Quoting ...B...:

Yes i completely agree that she needs to have a discussion with the father about what is expected/not expected with this child as well as with any future children. I dont know the length of their relationship but it definitely should have come up sooner, from the sounds of it.

She also should feel comfortable, as an adult in her own home, to at minimum ask the teen to clean up after himself. Regardless if he views her as a parental figure or not. 





 I stand by the 17 yr old is part of the package deal that she chose. Whether or not he’s a mature 17 yr old and or lazy one. She chose to move in before having a discussion about how their household would operate as a whole. 


.casper. 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Neverland, NJ, Christmas Island 2009 posts
Jun 12th

Quoting ♥Jessie♥:
I completely disagree with the women above. While he is older so he will probably not view you as his step mom I believe in a family as a whole. My kids have to do chores because we all live here and we all take care of our home as a family. If he is living with you be should be helping and contributing in some way. That is preparing him for the real world he is about to enter as an adult. Whether that help be cleaning up around the house or helping paint to make the house livable. These sort of responsibilities is what makes people feel less entitled to everything.  


Oh no, I completely agree that he should clean up after himself and help with normal everyday chores. I wouldn’t be cleaning up after a 17 year old either. But she’s going to find it hard to get that result now seen as he’s clearly never had to do it before and his dad isn’t backing her up

Royal_Lux United States 2657 posts
Jun 12th

Quoting .casper.:

Oh no, I completely agree that he should clean up after himself and help with normal everyday chores. I wouldn’t be cleaning up after a 17 year old either. But she’s going to find it hard to get that result now seen as he’s clearly never had to do it before and his dad isn’t backing her up


Exclamation Exactly 


Royal_Lux United States 2657 posts
Jun 12th

Quoting ...B...:

Yes i completely agree that she needs to have a discussion with the father about what is expected/not expected with this child as well as with any future children. I dont know the length of their relationship but it definitely should have come up sooner, from the sounds of it.

She also should feel comfortable, as an adult in her own home, to at minimum ask the teen to clean up after himself. Regardless if he views her as a parental figure or not. 


1000% agree. Red flags, preparing to  say I do and not able to have real conversations with the one you’re marrying and his soon to be adult child (whom lives under the same roof as you).