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Husband called me the N-word Momma Bear Mrs. Rodriguez 1 child; Chicago, Illinois 403 posts
Jan 13th

Wow, this is my first time back in years but I have been a member since 2010 and I have been looking for a positive place to finally get a few things off my chest; and hopefully this will be a great platform to do that. Okay, with that being said I sincerely ask to receive non controversial feedback from you all as women to women, mommy to mommy, and wives to wives. I take family very serious and do not want to make a decision based off on my emotions so I will fill you all in on what I have been experiencing in my marriage in hopes to get clarification and be able to see clearly again. So, here it goes:
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have a daughter that is 6 and a son that is 2 1/2. I am African American and my Husband is Hispanic. Being brought from Mexico as a teenager by his parents my husband speaks English although not fluently but well enough to hold a conversation. I am fluent in Spanish so our communication consists of Span-Glish. My husband was born and raise with very traditional values. In his family, the men work and the women stay at home. So, for the first 4 years of our marriage, I was a stay at home mom. I loved it. The only downfall was that my husband didn't pay any of my personal bills; I had money saved up that I used to pay my bills. But, if there was anything extra that I needed such as basic necessities I would have to ask him for the money and sometimes ( a lot) of the time he said he didn't have the money so I went without. We were never poor or broke or anything. My husband is the owner of body shops and made really good money. Our house was paid for in cash so our bills were not tremendous. But, when I needed things and I would ask him for money but was denied; that became a red flag. After our daughter was born, I only had one more year of College to finish and I would have graduated. But, when our daughter was born and I was scheduled to return to school he didn't allow me to. I told him that I really wanted to finish school; he became very upset and because I wanted to avoid fighting about it; I made the decision to not go back; another red flag. For the next couple years things were okay. We would have disagreements but nothing that stood out for me to be very significant. Fast forward to 2014. After much consideration we decided to have one more child so that our daughter could grow up with a sibling. Our son was born in April 2014. After he was born, I was feeling really trapped at home and I wanted to interact with other people but most importantly make my own money. So, I decided to go back to work after so many years. I got a job as a Secretary at a school district with a great salary, benefits, hours and it was only 5 minutes from the house. I arranged for my Grandmother to come to our house to watch our son and everything seemed to be worked out. I was excited! My husband on the other hand was anything but. Every morning as I would get ready for work he would make comments to me like "what kind of mother leaves her children" or "how could I leave the kids and be gone all day". He would also be extremely grouchy and we would barely speak to one another in the morning. Since, I was new and hadn't worked in so long, I just wanted to be perfect and so I worked diligently to learn and be the best employee I could be; sometimes though because I had to get caught up on a lot of work I wouldn't call my husband. That made him extremely mad. I never understood though that if he noticed that I didn't call him probably because I was swamped with work; why couldn't he pick up the phone and call me? Why did he need to fight about me not calling him when it is a two way street? Well as time went on my husband although wasn't happy about it, eventually became used to the schedule and didn't seem to complain as much as he did before. Fast forward to 2016. This year has been quite a challenge for us. My husband has always had an explosive temper; he is very quick to get angry. I work 8 hours and need to come home cook, clean, do school work with my daughter, our son has therapy for various reasons 4x's a week, they both have swim class, our daughter has dance and piano, and also bath them and put them to bed; I do all by myself. Some days, I don't feel like cooking, but if my husband comes homes and there is no home cooked meal he has a problem. I recently switched schools and currently work 20 minutes from the house now which he hates. He says "how can a mother work so far from her kids" "what if there is an emergency" "your stupid little job anyone can do" "you think your some kind of princess because you have a job now", is just a few of the things that he'll say to me as I get ready in the morning to go to work. Great way to start off the day right? If my husband asks me to do something that I might be able to do exactly when he wants he'll call me lazy, horrible wife and if I respond to his bullying which is rare then he'll call me a b***h, a f****** N***** (excuse my language;), he tells me that nothing in the house is mines because he pays all the bills and bought everything with his money. This year has been very very exhausting and frustrating. He has been abusive verbally and sexually. On Monday he was upset because my Father was calling me on the phone but I couldn't hear him because my husband was in the back yelling and screaming. My dad kept saying "hello hello" and I said oh I couldn't hear you because my husband was ranting and raving. When my husband heard me say that he became very upset. From 9pm until 1am in the bed he constantly made noises so I couldn't go to sleep. He kept pulling the sheets off of me, kicking me with this leg, he said I had rabis and that me and my father were horrible people. After three hours of me not responding, I told him to shut up and then he called me a n****r and many more names. I finally grabbed my pillow and went to sleep in another room. As I am walking out he is yelling "oh look at you, finally, go cry somewhere". That night I could barely maybe I got 2 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and get ready for work. Today is Friday and he has apologized and asked for forgiveness. He seems to have sincerely reflected on his behavior and the way he has behaving all this time and seems remorseful. The problem I am having is I have totally lost that soft spot for us that I once had. I forgive him because I forgive anybody. I don't hold onto grudges or anything negative in my body or mind. But, how can I be vulnerable to a man who has disrespected in every way imaginable. When is enough enough. Yes, I am suppose to fight for my family right? We have two small children one with a physical disability; we have to fight to stay together? But to be honest, whenever I hear his car pull up my stomach drops and I become nervous and anxious because I don't know what he will fight about tonight. What should one do in a situation like this? At the end of the day my husband is not a bad person. He works hard for his family, is a good father. He doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't run the streets, or cheat. So, I don't want to come across as being unappreciative or a brat. Please ladies, what is your take on this situation. 
Thanks so much and Happy Friday!



lamb_nodules 2 kids; United Kingdom 3323 posts
Jan 13th

Surprised

He is extremely abusive and you should leave. I don't know how you put up with it. 

You should also edit your post. I don't think the N-word is allowed or appropriate. 


tinana+2 (16w) Due September 6; Orlando, FL, Virgin Islands 43286 posts
status Jan 13th

Do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

Get your kids, get your stuff, and get the hell out of that place. YIKES.

Hello***Kitty 5 kids; Arvin, CA, United States 243 posts
Jan 13th

I'm sorry your going thru this my husband was exactly like that he is Mexican also I think its a Mexican thing anyways I decided to be a b***h back and he calmed down I go where I want when I want if I don't feel like cooking he buys pizza you need to leave that soft spot and defend yourself 

Bob Wehadababyitsaboy 4 kids; 4 angel babies; <3, CA, United States 33760 posts
status Jan 13th

How he treats you and has been treating you is definitely not OK, regardless of his culture. Just because his culture says you're supposed to stay home with the kids does not mean it's OK for him to degrade you like that, because you got a job. And if you were staying home and he was working he should be paying your bills. Wtf he sounds like a selfish a*****e. He needs to respect your wishes too. It's not just about him. 

MrsKW 3 kids; United States 4392 posts
Jan 13th

He sounds very verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling. I would get out and go somewhere safe with the kids

✩ ℒioȵεsȿ Due April 8 (boy); 96481 posts
status Jan 13th

Leave. Now. Nobody deserves to live with a monster like that. 

JBL Mommy 4 kids; 1 angel baby; United States 878 posts
Jan 13th

Quoting Hello***Kitty:
I'm sorry your going thru this my husband was exactly like that he is Mexican also I think its a Mexican thing anyways I decided to be a b***h back and he calmed down I go where I want when I want if I don't feel like cooking he buys pizza you need to leave that soft spot and defend yourself 


Ummm no. Its NOT a Mexican thing. Its a racist thing. My husband is Mexican. Dont go there. 


eta: you just have extremely low standards. 

✩ ℒioȵεsȿ Due April 8 (boy); 96481 posts
status Jan 13th

Quoting JBL Mommy :

Ummm no. Its NOT a Mexican thing. Its a racist thing. My husband is Mexican. Dont go there. 


Traditional Mexican families are exactly how she described, wife stays home and does everything while the men go and work and dont lift a finger around the house. I grew up in a predominantly Mexican culture and this is extremely common to me. The abuse, not so much anymore.

Hello***Kitty 5 kids; Arvin, CA, United States 243 posts
Jan 13th

I meant the macho thing not letting you work wanting you to be a stay at home mom just having you home all day feeling the need to feel like hes the bread winner now the name calling is racist 

Hello***Kitty 5 kids; Arvin, CA, United States 243 posts
Jan 13th

Quoting ✩ ℒioȵεsȿ:

Traditional Mexican families are exactly how she described, wife stays home and does everything while the men go and work and dont lift a finger around the house. I grew up in a predominantly Mexican culture and this is extremely common to me. The abuse, not so much anymore.


And that's exactly what I meant my husband is the same way now the name calling is just disrespectful he has never called me a bad name but yes he does not let me work I stay home and do my work here

Momma Bear Mrs. Rodriguez 1 child; Chicago, Illinois 403 posts
Jan 13th

I only mentioned that he was Mexican with traditional values and that he was taught and raised to believe that woman stay at home and men work only because that is OUR relationship; not to say that anyone involved with a Hispanic man will be the same. It could be in any culture. The more independent I try to be, the more controlling and demeaning he is. Yes he is controlling, judgmental, and very critical. He apologized for his behavior and said he wants to change. My question is how many more chances does someone like this deserve? 

✩ ℒioȵεsȿ Due April 8 (boy); 96481 posts
status Jan 13th

Quoting Hello***Kitty:

And that's exactly what o meant my husband is the same way now the name calling is just disrespectful he has never called me a bad name but yes he does not let me work I stay home and do my work here


I get it. Not sure why she got her panties in a wad over it. 

Hello***Kitty 5 kids; Arvin, CA, United States 243 posts
Jan 13th

Lol 38383838

✩ ℒioȵεsȿ Due April 8 (boy); 96481 posts
status Jan 13th

Quoting Momma Bear Mrs. Rodriguez:
I only mentioned that he was Mexican with traditional values and that he was taught and raised to believe that woman stay at home and men work only because that is OUR relationship; not to say that anyone involved with a Hispanic man will be the same. It could be in any culture. The more independent I try to be, the more controlling and demeaning he is. Yes he is controlling, judgmental, and very critical. He apologized for his behavior and said he wants to change. My question is how many more chances does someone like this deserve? 


You've given him years worth of chances. I wouldn't give him anymore, especially since he's not shown any sort of improvement in the time that you've given him to be an understanding husband.