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4 years tomorrow *trigger warning* his*mama Due June 30 (girl); 1 child; Portland, Oregon 3718 posts
Dec 23rd '16

I knew this day was coming...I can't help but watch for it every year as it approaches. Christmas is often a reminder of what's missing for me, the empty space in my heart. 
4 years ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant. I was scared but excited and was looking forward to the future and the idea of having another baby.  The night I told the father was the beginning of the worst time of my life. His response was anything but comforting, warm, or filled with love (even though he promised his love to me every day). Instead it was met with accusations and demands that this baby could not live. Threats of him walking out of our lives forever, that I would be nothing but a loser for the rest of my life and no one would ever want me. 
I had recently come out of an abusive relationship and didn't know my own self worth or strength so instead, I believed him. I tried to stretch time as he berated and belittled me for weeks. I avoided calling the abortion clinic because deep in my heart I knew it was not what I wanted. But he never let up, eventually he called them for me and made me schedule the appointment.  And I was too weak to fight back...to fight for what was mine.
January 17, the day of my appointment came and I sat in the doctors office as they questioned about my pregnancy. 8 weeks and 5 days they said. Just in the nick of time to take the abortion pill.  They had to perform an ultrasound to ensure the baby was in there an alive, and when they asked if I wanted to see I said no.  My bf watched the ultrasound and said the baby was moving all around. 
The doctors leaves and we sit in silence. I hated him, I hated myself, I was slowly dying inside and yet I said nothing.  When the doctors came back in the had a small package of pills and one by itself. The first one would stop the heartbeat and the following pills would help my uterus contract and flush out the baby. "Are you sure?" They asked. I quietly said "yes" while everything inside me screamed "no, stop! Don't do this!" 
i swallowed the pill, listened to their instructions and left the office. I held it together until I got to the car where I broke down. I cried uncontrollably and could think of nothing but jamming my finger down my throat and throwing up the pill that I took to kill my baby.  My bf attempted to comfort me, all the while my hate for him grew.
the next Day I began to cramp and the bleeding started, I cried alone in the bathroom at working because no one knew.  All he could say wasn't "I'm sorry, I just can't believe be a dad". 

We we stayed together for a little a while after that but my hatred grew to be too much.  He even had the nerve to say "If you had been 9 weeks I would have said let's keep it" i looked him dead in the eyes and said "I was 8 weeks and 5 days. Don't ever talk about MY baby again". 
As the years have gone by it's gotten easier. This wasn't he first year I did not cry when my due date Came around. But i still feel this weird sense of emptiness when I look in the backseat of my car and only see one car seat. Or when I look at my niece who would have been just a few weeks older than my baby. 

This year i think is ink is different for me because I am pregnant again. This child I can keep, not because anyone allowed me bit instead because I am stronger and I didn't wait to Hear anyones opinion...instead i said this is my baby and I'm keeping it. 
I just wish that i could go back in time, I wish I could stand up for not only myself but my baby. I pray that one day I'll get to meet him or her And tell them how sorry I am for not giving them a chance at life, for not ever holding them in my arms, not loving them the way that they deserved and not protecting them like I  should.  I would tell them how I miss them every day and wish i got to know them. 
I love that baby no matter what and will regret my choice until the end of time.

marmarissa Due November 28 (girl); 1 child; 2 angel babies; Ottawa, ON, Canada 7678 posts
Dec 23rd '16

Hugs mama!  <3  I'm so sorry Very Sad

✩ Silver 100328 posts
Dec 23rd '16

Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you a boatload of hugs ❤

--Mommie C 3 kids; 1 angel baby; Fresno, California 194 posts
Dec 23rd '16

I am so sorry this happen to you.
Lots of hugs to you<3 

Tσѕнιε 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Derp, WV, United States 10674 posts
Dec 23rd '16

I'm sorry -hugs- 

Milk Machine ✌ 3 kids; 1 angel baby; ,, ,, United States 20053 posts
Dec 23rd '16

I literally know exactly how you feel
it does get better
here's my story Link

if you ever need to talk  <3

Have Heart 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Western, NY, United States 8952 posts
Dec 23rd '16

I found out I was pregnant right before Christmas, and lost my little one right before Valentine's day. Both holiday still suck for me --- also 4 years later...


sending warm thoughts your way <3

Cat.Woman. 2 kids; Gotham City, PA, United States 8637 posts
Dec 23rd '16

Thank you for sharing your story. Lots of love <3

his*mama Due June 30 (girl); 1 child; Portland, Oregon 3718 posts
Dec 23rd '16

Thank you all for your kind words.  I am so lucky to have the support of you women because no one in my life understands and looks at me as if I have no right to be upset. I so appreciate you all.

his*mama Due June 30 (girl); 1 child; Portland, Oregon 3718 posts
Dec 23rd '16

Quoting B♡:
I literally know exactly how you feel
it does get better
here's my story Link

if you ever need to talk  <3


Thank you. I read your story and I'm so sorry for your experience but the beauty that I got out of it is the fact that God reached out to you and showed you how unconditional his love truly is. Thanks for sharing it. :)

his*mama Due June 30 (girl); 1 child; Portland, Oregon 3718 posts
Dec 23rd '16

Quoting Hi, I'm Sarah. ❤:
I found out I was pregnant right before Christmas, and lost my little one right before Valentine's day. Both holiday still suck for me --- also 4 years later...


sending warm thoughts your way <3


I'm so sorry for your loss. And thank you for your kindness