WWYD? Riley+Abby 2 kids; Toronto, Ontario 2423 posts
Sep 10th '13

This is a lot to get out...bear with me for a moment!!

I'm a single Mama to my little girl, who's the absolute light of my life. I lost my husband just over a year ago, and this is where it gets complicated....

I came back into contact with a guy I knew when I was 19-20, somewhere in there. At the time, I thought he was pretty awesome, but I was already totally smitten with my DH, so he never had a shot.

This guy came back into my life about 5 months ago, and honestly, he's still pretty awesome. We sort of picked up our friendship where we left off, and I was good with that. I don't know why, but...last week he basically made it clear that he was interested then, (When we first knew each other) and he's interested now. He never considered making a move for me because of DH. Basically he made it clear that when I'm ready for it, he'd really like to start building a more serious relationship with me.

Enter confusion. Holy shit, confusion. Problem one is that I'm actually attracted to this guy, which should be a good thing, I guess. But I feel like I'm completely betraying everything my DH and I built together. I feel like I'm cheating on him. Heck, I feel like I'm betraying my daughter, because at one point my sole focus was her, making sure she knew who her Daddy was, and giving her the best life I could. That still is my focus, but at the same time, there's this part of me that doesn't want to be grieving for the rest of my life, if that makes sense?

Anyway, back to the guy...I told him I wasn't ready for another relationship yet. That it might be a long time until I am...And he was okay with it. (I could've kicked him out of my mind if it had annoyed him or something, but I swear he was expecting it to be my answer) He said he was good to wait, but when I was ready to move on, that he'd still be interested.

I am so confused...I don't know how any part of me can even be considering moving on, and yet at the same time, I want to be able to move on. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I miss being known by someone, if that makes sense? At the same time, I feel like such a c**t, because it feels like I'm betraying my DH every time I even consider it.

Can anyone even make sense of that? Because I sure as heck can't. Or offer any advice??

His♡Cupcake 1 child; Quebec 4471 posts
Sep 10th '13

First im sorry for your loss.
I haven't really delt with this, but I am a single mother too have been for 2 years BD is still around, but I have been in a relationship for about 1 year now with my SO.
I can understand that you feel like you are betraying your DH, but I think that he would want you happy, and if that means just spending time with this new guy then do just that, don't worry about anything else and don't over think anything you will drive yourself crazy!

Mrs. Daniel 1 child; California 547 posts
Sep 10th '13

Your dh would want you to be happy. This guy sounds like a he deserves a chance. No need to rush things but don't let guilt squish what could be a great relationship. It's not doing anyone any good to feel guilty at this point.

S & S +1 1 child; 1 angel baby; Saint-Jean-Sur-Richelieu, QC, Canada 372 posts
Sep 10th '13

I had to re-read your post because I thought your husband was still alive. I say go for it when you're ready :)

Bangarang 10 kids; Muthafuckin, GA, United States 27083 posts
Sep 10th '13

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
It sounds like you're just plain not ready to move on yet. That's perfectly acceptable and everybody has their own time table. You're still grieving and it really hasn't been that long since he passed. This guy sounds like a good one and you must be pretty special for him to be willing to wait. Do you eventually want to be with him in particular? Setting aside the feeling of cheating on our husband by moving on. Is he somebody you can see yourself with? I don't know how I'd handle this situation because I've never experienced it and hope not to, but I think I would keep him in my life at least as a friend and maybe eventually you'll grow to care about him in a way that doesn't feel like a betrayal to your late husband.
Your husband probably wouldn't have wanted you to be a single mother forever. There's no way he could have expected you to. Some day you'll be ready and maybe this man will still be willing to build a relationship with you, or maybe you'll find somebody else. Do it on your time. That's the best advice I can give.

user banned 2 kids; Medina, New York 1612 posts
Sep 10th '13

I am sorry for your loss. I am sure your DH would love for your daughter to have a stable home and tons and tons of love, whether it be from just you, or from you and a step-dad to her. You can still make her father known and share with her all your great memories, and pictures and whatnot.

Seems like a decent guy to not be pressuring you into anything, and being there for you. I would just let things happen naturally, no need to put a label on anything, or "try" for anything.

Vivialopod 2 kids; Vantaa, Finland 42788 posts
Sep 10th '13

I've never lost a s/o but I think over a year is a perfectly reasonable time to mourn and then be ready to move on. I don't think you should feel guilty.

Your husband wouldn't have wanted you to die with him and he wouldn't want you to live the rest of your life like you did.

Riley+Abby 2 kids; Toronto, Ontario 2423 posts
Sep 10th '13
Quoting Pabst:" First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. It sounds like you're just plain not ready ... [snip!] ... to build a relationship with you, or maybe you'll find somebody else. Do it on your time. That's the best advice I can give."

I guess maybe why I'm panicking is because I could see myself with him, whereas I've never been able to see myself with anyone but my DH. I see the way he is with my daughter, and I love it. I like how we click. I love the way he just enjoys's something I've lost, I guess. It's like, if it was anyone else, I think I'd be able to shake it off. But not him. And I don't know why...

Momma Rawks 1 child; Iowa 7403 posts
Sep 12th '13

Take the chance.

My fiance died almost two years ago. I ended up meeting my SO and while I was hesitant, I decided to go with it. I don't regret it. It was hard at first. I felt guilty and didn't like the idea of "moving on". But I'm young, and I still have a life left to live. If roles had been reversed, I would have wanted my fiance to find someone to love, and someone to love him. I wouldn't have wanted him to spend the rest of his life feeling lonely because of me.

I love my fiance, and always will. He is still my son's father, and my son knows this. I have been with SO for over a year, and there are still pictures of my fiance in my home, his shoes still sit by the front door, his trinkets are still up on the shelf, and my son has a "Daddy Book" full of pictures of my fiance that they look at together. We go to the cemetery, talk about Daddy, celebrate his birthday, and even though he is deceased, he is still a major part of our lives. My SO totally understands this, and doesn't mind one bit.

I am still dealing with the loss. I am still grieving. Finding a man who acknowledges that and is understanding is a big deal. My life with my fiance was great, but that chapter in my life ended, and it was hard, but I made the choice to enjoy life.

If you really aren't ready, don't rush it. But don't feel guilty about it. Easier said than done, but you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a hand to hold and someone to care about you. Don't sell yourself short.