How do I help my children? lamomof2 Louisiana 1 posts
Aug 7th '13

My children are 7 and 5. Seperated from ex in Nov. He has seen them a total of less than 30 hrs total since. Until the beginning of Jan, I let him see them each time he asked with the exception of once due to the kids were at sleepovers already. He also called last minute to see kids. Main part of divorce is he ignored the children at home, especially my daughter (younger child). Both kids noticed this. But in public, he would act great so ppl would think he was a great dad. As soon as in private or around family, back to ignoring. He used to not go watch them play outside bc too hot, yet now apart has taken up mountain biking! Christmas was last time he saw them. I allowed him to come and said stay as long as wanted bc daughter sick so son could play. He left in less than hour. My son asked to call his grandfather "someone he knew loved him and would play". He immediately started sleeping w/ someone after separation even though kids needed time to adjust and was also holidays and her bday. I told him it was hurting them. We live in small town, so was found out. In beginning of Jan, I found out something happened that had/have kids scared of him and of saying anything that he may not like. I put them in counseling asap. He hasn't seen them since. Few times said would like to see them, I said they were scared and he dropped it. Any texts just say "say love and miss them". Never ask how dealing w/ divorce, how school is going, etc. All things I told them were going badly. Yet he would text to ask about son's score. Gave nothing for Santa. Promised to pay for camps. Didn't. Now saying he would have fought for them if had the money, but I can prove he spent over a grand on bike stuff. Yet court doesn't care. Doesn't matter never checked on them. They lost grandfather, man my ex called dad and called my mother mom and treated her and referred to as real mom. My parents even foot his schooling. Yet he never once checked how kids were dealing, offer help, or condolences. He has that on his obit when deployed. (no , ptsd is not problem) Violence did occur in marriage but I stupidly did not report for various reasons. Counselor said kids scared. He never contacted school nor their counselor to check on them, nor me. I found out by fluke he has switched jobs and had been gone for months but never told me so if emergency, I couldn't have known where to call. He has shown prority is not the kids over and over. Has asked on son, not daughter. I am disabled but have always been the primary caretaker and decision maker. He made the money. I do not get $ for this and can't till divorced. He keeps giving less and less. Can prove I asked for money for clothes for them, but none....yet he bought "toys" for himself. Basically just shows he neglects them, as did in marriage. For them to be forced to go every other weekend, even supervised (which would be short time and then unsupervised so that doesn't help) has them scared, will make not trust me or counselor or courts to keep safe, will remain on edge with father. Always has to worry what they say. What they were "punished" for is something we had said to tell us and was ok. It was to say they were mad at us for divorcing. How can someone not fight for kids for 8 months, not check on their well being (trhough school, teachers, and their counselor, or me), put their leisure items being purchased before fighting to see kids, not see about them when lost the only grandfather they know and who has been their rock and "father" for awhile now......yet he still has the rights to see them and they say in kids best interest. The way I see it, he has shown them by example how he does not care of their feelings, puts one kid above other, chooses himself first, bad role model, made choices that made things tougher on them(he admits) just so better for him, shown if emergency no one can find him if doesn't answer cell and shouldn't bc nurse, wouldn't go to fight to see them, etc. He is a horrible role model, showing all the how not to be a good, loving father. Any contact w/ him results in them upset and problems for days after. There is more. But to sum up.......can anyone help me. For some reason the state of LA seems to think he is simply a bad dad and that a bad dad is better than none. I need to find journal/professors, etc that dispute this. They say in kids best interest....he is not in their emotional best interest. They scream at thought of seeing him. I offer them to text, call, give gifts, etc.....say I will never love less, not a choice between us and they freak out and scream not to hear about him bc what he did. And how all his texts never asks about them. They will suffer by being forced to do this. Please help!!! I need to prove and need help to do so that he is harmful for their emotional health and need to prove studies do exsist that bad does are NOT better than no dad. I have a brother in law willing to testify that he is willing to take on the role of male role model. I was told I will have to force them in his car screaming and if I dont' , i'm a bad mom letting kids make choices. How do you force kids into a car to go somewhere with someone they are scared of??? No matter who it is. I need any help/advice PLEASE and ASAP. This is coming to a head quickly. He doesn't want to pay money anymore so said will file to pay less, but that also means we will do kids at same time. And do you think I am wrong?? Shouldn't they be surrounded by people they know love them and will always support them and check in on them, and be concerned about them in all aspects.....not just the son's sports scores? Violence was part of marriage....I stupidly didn't report. Last day together, kids knew. HELP!!!!

Yurvette [♥] TTC since Jan 2016; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Hyrule Castle, LZ, San Marino 37262 posts
Aug 7th '13

Stop responding to him. Don't tell your kids about him wondering about shit. Don't talk about it. And in court bring that they don't want to go. If they don't want go. Don't send absent father is better than a bad ex hasn't been there for my son really. He will see him a few times a month but won't ask about school or his health. Whatever. He only texts me when he wants him. Never calls. I know it's frustrating to deal with. But if your kids do want to talk about him to you, let them. Don't say negative things to them about him. Good luck.

HopeAlive Japan 36 posts
Aug 8th '13

It sounds like you've been going through a lot... I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice for you in this situation. Have you been able to speak to a counselor about all of this?