Quoting Now and Forever:" Why is the baby shower a big deal? Who cares if she goes or not. The point is that you invited her. Why ... [snip!] ... about me, don't bring my child into it." To be honest, I would drop her out of my life. She sounds all kinds of fucked up."
At the time she was on committees in the church. So she did have a say about what was put in the bulletin or not.
She didn't say the baby wasn't going to live. The doctors did. Which is why it was so important to me to have it.
A baby shower is a baby shower, but I don't handle favoritism well. I wasn't raised with it, my mother treated all 4 of us the same. No matter what. By saying she wouldn't go to mine, and made sure people in the church wouldn't go(is how I interpreted it), and then she'll go to any of my SIL, to me is doubly hurtful along with her saying that she wouldn't come.
I could have. But I knew if I did, with the influence my MIL has at our church and the fact that it was mostly for family and the church, I knew invites would have been pointless.
My other SIL was pissed. She said had she known, she would of thrown me a big bash and thrown it in her face. But that's my family for you, compared to DH's
You can forgive but dont forget. I myself have learned that. Keep her at arms reach from now on. I wouldnt care to much what she says or does now that you know where you stand. I would say be more strict about her seeing the kids. She shouldnt be able to say things like that and think its ok that she can see the kids anytime she wants.(Thats my opinon.) Im happy for you your son was ok. Dont let what she says get to you. It might be hurtful but honestly if shes a church go'er she wouldnt say things like in the first place. (J/s)
<blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" Forgiving someone isn't for them. It is for you. It simply makes you a miserable and bitter person to carry all that hate."</blockquote>
This. And forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I have forgiven SAMs parents for the hurtful crap they've done to us. But I haven't forgotten and I do keep my guard up. But forgiving is not letting what they did affect you anymore. I know it can be very hard. But just remember it doesn't have to be rainbow and sunshine and lovey dovey. It's as simple and giving that pain over to God and releasing yourself from that b*****e. *hugs*
Quoting lolajessup:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" Forgiving someone isn't for them. It is for ... [snip!] ... and sunshine and lovey dovey. It's as simple and giving that pain over to God and releasing yourself from that b*****e. *hugs*"
Now that I told her I do feel better.
I guess for me it's so much harder because she plays so much favoritism to my SIL.
Growing up in a family of 4 we were all treated as equals. I mean if more than 1 of us got caught doing something and we were all there, we ALL got punished. None of us were every truly favorited.
So for me it's weird. The moment I think I might of forgiven her, and she opens her mouth and more hurtful things come out.
Like how she said she doesn't want veggies from our garden, my SIL's garden is first, then ours. it's proof we'll always be second best.
I was honest with the SIL too, I told her that she's the clear family favorite, her family is. And she thinks my family is because of how much help my MIL offers us. But I know if the roles had been reversed, if she was going to school or if her husband let her work from home, or if her husband was going to school, if she didn't live with her parents, if she didn't call an hour before she wanted the kids to spend the night, then my MIL would be over there. Before I had kids with the husband she was on a plane to California every 3 months to see them. If that had been us, she never would of done it.
I hate letting the anger build up, I hate saying that I'm mad at her, I hate saying that I can't forgive her because of what she says. But she does so many hurtful things that I have begun to realize I can't let things go. I don't understand how a woman who claims she has so much faith and trust in God can be so hurtful to so many people around her.
Like when my SIL has kids it's "God's timing is so great, my daughter in law has delivered a beautiful baby." And for me it's just, "Pleased to announce another grandbaby."
I am happy that she takes my kids and helps me, I am, but I know too that if my SIL was in my situation, I would be left in the dust.
The one thing I can be grateful for is my side of the family. We don't judge each other, ever, despite all the different situations we're in. We're all supportive of each other, and we're always there for each other. I don't know if it's out heritage, where we're from, or the fact that we don't really have involved parents. Even the people we're married are treated as part of the family. None of having to call each other to talk to the spouse. I can call my SIL directly without offending, she can borrow my clothes without being offended. Her kids can wear my kids clothes without getting offended. Etc. But I love my brother's wife, she keeps promising me that next time, if there is, she's throwing me the biggest baddest baby shower and that my MIL can sit at home and pout about how she's missing out on all the fun. ;) I seriously love her.
<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Now that I told her I do feel better. I guess for me it's so much harder because she plays so much ... [snip!] ... baby shower and that my MIL can sit at home and pout about how she's missing out on all the fun. ;) I seriously love her."</blockquote>
Awwe its a hard road to stop letting people affect you. My mom is great but she is always favoring my brother and ice just learned that its not gonna change and either I take her the way she is and ignore the things she says that bother me or I cut her out completely. Things she does bothers Sam a lot still but I've just learned to ignore her, smile, and nod. It takes time.
Quoting lolajessup:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Now that I told her I do feel better. ... [snip!] ... her out completely. Things she does bothers Sam a lot still but I've just learned to ignore her, smile, and nod. It takes time."
See and I think probably by the 10 year mark I'll be used to it. But only being in 5 years and having 23 years of non favoritism years in front of me? That's hard for me to change and not care.
<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" See and I think probably by the 10 year mark I'll be used to it. But only being in 5 years and having 23 years of non favoritism years in front of me? That's hard for me to change and not care."</blockquote>
Oh yeah it can take years and years lol!!! Sam is still irked after almost 7. I keep reminding him what she does doesn't affect us. But he hates how she treats me compared to my brother. But I tell him let me be the one to decide if it hurts ME or not. I know he's protective over me but I've lived with it since he was born when I was 8, and it did take a LONG time for me to let it stop affecting me. Probably only the past couple yrs. sometimes she does something that irks me in the moment but now I'm finally at the point where I don't dwell or cling onto those feelings.
Quoting lolajessup:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" See and I think probably by the 10 ... [snip!] ... does something that irks me in the moment but now I'm finally at the point where I don't dwell or cling onto those feelings."
See and the husband is at that point, and I'm not there.
I'm not going to treat her any different, I'll still be nice to her, but the words still hurt me. And i can't let that go when she's going to all these baby showers for multiple kids and left mine out.
<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" See and the husband is at that point, and I'm not there. I'm not going to treat her any different, I'll ... [snip!] ... words still hurt me. And i can't let that go when she's going to all these baby showers for multiple kids and left mine out."</blockquote>
I know it's hard :( Ill never understand why people do the hurtful things they do. It's not my personality at all so I don't get what satisfaction they get out of it all.
I am upset with my own mom right now I understand what you going thru. My sister had a daughter a year and a half ago 3 days before Christmas and she bought my sister a $150 high hair for her but for my little girls she never bought anything for them. I asked if she would buy our son a baby mattress for his crib since she never got our daughters anything and she told me no I don't have the money. I was just asking her to buy him a $50 mattress or however much they are. I feel like my kids got the shaft. She also told me well some of the high chair went towards Alyssa's Christmas money. Well if that is true that means she spent a lot more on my sisters daughter then she did on my kids. I forgiven my mom and accepted that my sister got something that we didn't but it still hurts. If you feel in your heart you can then do but I understand why you are upset.
Quoting Abby and Graceys mom:" I am upset with my own mom right now I understand what you going thru. My sister had a daughter a year ... [snip!] ... got something that we didn't but it still hurts. If you feel in your heart you can then do but I understand why you are upset."
I am just not the person to forgive. My mother keeps telling me that God will judge her in the end, and I know that. And I say that to myself even now.
But it doesn't mean it hurts any less for me.
She apparently even called DH's and said she never said, said I made it up. And DH told her he remembered her saying something similar, although he didn't hear the entirety of the conversation.
Today at church you can see she is still mad at me. To the point that she wouldn't even let our daughter visit her.
I wasn't mad at her, I wasn't going to treat her any differently today as I do every day, but she needs to know that her words and actions are hurtful. It took me a long time but I finally did it.
I am obviously very late on a reply BUT, I know what you mean when you say you aren't sure you can forgive. My monster in law and Skunt in Law have been terrible to me since day one. I hate them. I am struggling with the "forgiveness" thing myself. Everytime I burry the hatchet and let my guard down, another back slided f**k you comes my way. Here is an example: We were just at the memorial service for the fallen firefighters. 7 of them were dear friends and former co-workers of my husbands. My skunt in law walks up to me, puts her hand on my shoulder and says "I just want to say Hi because now is not the time or place for anything else". She then turns to my husband and tries to give him a hug acting like everything is ok. Basically, she is saying that I am the a*****e in this mess and that she is simply trying to avoid any "issues" with me. I just looked at her with a snarky smile and then continued to ignore her for the rest of the day.
At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that the issues belong to them and not me. Remind yourself daily that the problem isn't yours to worry about or fix. You know who you are and what you have or haven't done. It doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks. ~hugs