Well today my brother would have turned 27. This is his first birthday since he passed away. September 15th changed my life forever. He took his own life that day knowing that me, his baby sister would be the one to find him. When I saw him laying there so lifeless, I didn't know what to think. I couldn't feel. I felt... Nothing. I couldn't even cry. There was so much stuff going through my head, but at the same time it seemed like nothing was going through my head too. I felt so numb like I had no emotion at all. It didn't hit me that he had passed until later that day. But it still hadn't hit me comepletely. It took a long time before my mind would let me accept the fact that what I had seen was actually real. To this day, I have these weird fantacies and dreams. I have these dreams sometimes where he comes back and is alive again and we just hug and i cry and tell him I missed him so much and that I'm sorry for everything, then I wake up and of coarse its just a dream... Nothing but my stupid imagination getting the best of me again. It's hard. We were really close. He lived with me and my daughter at the time cause he was trying to get back on his feet so I offered for him to come stay with me. I miss him so much and sometimes I try to push certain things to the back of my mind, but they always seem to find their way back into my thoughts. Guilt and things like that. I just never thought I would lose him to something like that. You have no idea how it feels to see that. It hurts so bad and sometimes when I'm thinking about him, that image of him laying in the closet floor with a lease tied around his neck.... It's haunting.
Happy birthday Joshua.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.