user banned Japan 244 posts
Apr 17th '13

@Your basing your whole argument on the idea that your marriage infallible. And continue to call me insecure because of the fact that I am not so naive as you to think that a person can't f**k up royally no matter the amount of love or trust you place on them.

Insecurity .Never marry a person you can't trust

@I don't know a single person on this earth that had another child to replace the one they lost. they might have more children having a desire to experience parenthood again as they once did but they still grieve and love that angel baby. Nothing will ever take that child's place in their heart. On the other hand when people remarry they might continue to love the memory partner they lost but their new partner fills the void the old one left behind.

Ask this question to those who have lost a spouse .No one can replace a lost spouse .No one can fill the void and pain just like a child loss . Argument failed

@I have never known a parent to date that was abandoned by their children when it wasn't warranted.

I have known lots.

@Even when put in a nursing home they are visited often by their children and grandchildren.
Only if they have time for you .

@While you believe that you life begins and ends with your marriage. You husband will never need you any less than he does now so you have nothing left to strive for in your life. You are so focused on your marriage you have lost yourself as an individual

Ok . Do you know me ? If loving my husband more make me lost myself then pity all those people who do . LOl

. @Now let me ask you, you say you know you can survive without your Dh, but can you live? truly live a quality of life worthy of his memory? By the way you talk it is doubtful. You place your own value on you Dh's life.
How do you know i place my own value on dh life ? If loving my dh more means i place my own value on dh life then pity all those who are like me . Happy

@I just hope you children are forever disappointed in their relationships when they find that loving their So is more difficult than you are making out to be.
My children know how stiff our marriage was . I was one of those mother's who invested everything on my children for staright 5 years , completely neglected my husband because i was overwhelmed by the of my children .But it was my mother who gave me the advice to put your spouse above all if you want a happy marriage as i mentioned earlier and it worked

@My job as a mother comes first, a wife second.

You were wife long before you become mother.Your priorities are all screwed up .

You know you can't stand people who think differently than you .I could care less . Ask any elderly married couple about the success of their marriage .If you can't put your spouse first and foremost then you have no change of happy marriage .I was in the same page as you and i learned a hard lesson .Thankfully i am not divorced like you .

Its hard to discuss with a person who is so close minded . Sorry but i have nothing to argue .

My dead child cannot be replaced and if my hubby die tomorrow ( god forbid) he can never be replaced no matter

1inpink3inblue Due December 7 (boy); 3 kids; Switzerland 13391 posts
Apr 17th '13
Quoting vivi12:" . @I find your post laughable op. If you truely felt you were doing nothing wrong you wouldn't feel the ... [snip!] ... love for me which made me go through with such a terrible loss .I hope you will never face this sort of pain in your life"

Before I say anything else OP I would like to say I am truly sorry for your loss. I know how incredibly painful the loss of a child is even if my own experience was only temporary. However might I remind you that it was first you that made a case for yourself by suggesting that mother's who loved their children more than their husbands where actually hurting their kids. I (after the comment you made) merely expressed my feelings on romantic love as a whole. And that love is a weak and petty love that has to be constantly attended to and nurtured like a fire so that it doesn't die. And yes it is a selfish love. It often puts its own feelings first and is jealous and needy. Let me share something with you op. As I said before I loved my DD's father more than life itself. When we had DD that love grew even stronger yet never surpassed that of my love for my child. We were young and he was afraid of being a father. He turned to drugs as he had long ago after his father murdered his mother and killed himself. (She was leaving him and in the idea of losing the love of his life to another took this desperate path). When I found out and told him he needed to stop he became angry. That is when the abuse started. It only happened when he was on the drugs. I knew he hated himself for it when he was sober but that just made him turn to drugs more. After a few months it was so bad it was happening almost every day. I tried everything to make him happy again. To make things the way they use to be. I doted on him constantly. I ran in to his arms when he walked through the door every day. I shower him with kisses and word of love. I offered him sex as much as he wanted it. Nothing worked. He was to lost in his self hate. He was a shamed of having a child out of wedlock, and then of becoming abusive. I told him there was no need to be a shamed of our DD. That she was beautiful and healthy and a blessing. that he should be proud. I told him I harbored no ill feeling towards him for the abuse that I only wished that he would be happy and that we could go back to the way we had been. Yet it continued. Eventually I formed a blood clot in my brain from the abuse. Then he knocked it loose and it moved. I went permanently blind in my right eye. Yet still I stayed. Yes even after this I stayed desperate to obtain the love I had once experienced in my own ignorance and selfishness I could not see what was coming. One day after an argument I went to my mother's and left my DD sleeping in her bed with her father at home. He was sober when I left though upset. I was at my mother's for 10 mins before I went home gone 50 min total with driving. That is all. When I got back to the house they were gone. For 2 weeks I didn't know if my DD was alive or dead. If she was safe or scared or happy. For 2 weeks I went through hell and high water trying to get my DD back yet I always got the same answer.... we can't do anything because we can't find him and possession is 9/10ths of the law. Not the police, CPS, FBI, no one could help me. My mother is the one who got me through it. I was a complete mess. I lost 20lbs in 2 weeks. I was put on sleeping pills and anti depression/anxiety meds. We began to speak of my DD as if she was dead. It was almost like she was and for all we knew she was. The worst part is the not knowing. Is she safe? Is she suffering? Is she even alive? At the end of those two weeks we got a lucky break. I had filed a restraining order and though they had not been able to find him to serve him with it he found out by word of mouth from someone about it and showed up to the court date. The judge ordered my DD be returned immediately on threat of kidnapping charges. When he brought her to my parents house I was over joyed. Though She was in a state. Her ears were infected, she stunk horribly, her clothes were far to small. She suffered from nightmares every night for months after that and separation anxiety for years as did I. She had went quite backwards developmentally and had begun to harm herself. This took me a very long time to correct. We had suffered all of this at the hands of a man who I had loved more than life itself. That I had treated as a god among men. A man who had claimed to love me more than even our child. A man who had once been worthy of my love. That is when i decided not to go back. That I would never again put my own selfish wants of romantic love before that of my child. That experience taught me that nothing in life is certain and that it wasn't enough to love my child more than anything I had to make it know to her and everyone else. And to live by it. What is best for my child is what is best for me. Now I am married to a man whom loves me and whom I love. He can be an ass and drive me crazy but he tries to better himself as I try to better myself and loves our kids and my DD as I do. I would not have married him if I didn't trust him or love him and considering everything I went through before that was not easy for me. But I did and I do. My eyes are open now to the realities of life. Do I live my life expecting something horrible to happen causing me to have to leave my DH? No I don't. That is no way to live and no way to love. But I am not so blind now as to think that it is am impossibility either. You might have been dealt a better hand when it comes to romantic love. You are luck to have someone who has not broken your trust in 30 years. But those who only experience a few years of love before its broken or find it later in life are just as lucky. And IMO those who earn that love through years of struggles against it, find love lose it and then find it again but stronger and better because they refused to settle, or those who acknowledge it for what it is and choose to love more strongly in an unselfish love like motherhood are even luckier. Because these people they love because they choose to. Not because it was easy or because they need to. Yes even mothers. Being a mother is hard and it would often be easier to give in to more selfish forms of love when we can not hope to get the same level of love back from our kids.

user banned Japan 244 posts
Apr 17th '13

I am so sorry for everything .How rude i was .
Your story touched my heart.Your ex was an a*****e ,speaking as a woman ,no women should be abused by men .No women deserves such type of treatment.
If it happened to me i would have turned out just like you .Heck ,i would have never marred a man again.Now ,i really agree with what you were trying to say and you should put your children first because you are in your second marriage as well
Actually its a matter of perception . You faced a lot in your life and i really feel sorry for you

Let me tell you my story and why i put my husband above my kids .

I meet this guy when i was just 12 .Become best friends and fall in love .It was amazing feeling .I married to him when i was only 18 .We were happy then we got a good news .I was pregnant with our first baby. Things were very fine . I was overwhelmed by the love i had for my baby just like any mother feel and started neglecting my hubby ,pushing him aside . I think this was the first blow on my relationship with my hubby . I was consumed by my baby ,then we had our second and our relationship goes downhill .Marriage is not a piece of cake as you said . I had nothing to talk to my hubby .IT was all about me and my baby .They were my world.My poor hubby still put on with me because he loved me.He could have cheated on me way back ,but he never did

Fast forward 6 years and the terrible thing happened ,we lost our baby boy .It nearly destroyed our relationship .I was destroyed . But my hubby didn't let me slip .He was always there for me ,grieved with me ,comforted me even though he was grieving too .We hold each other ,grieved with each other and finally move on .our second baby was very small that time . The loss of our baby boy brought us very close to each other . I came back to my senses

The hard years passed .We went on to have 2 more kids . We were all very happy and one thing i learned from this experience " if you can't put your hubby first then no way your marriage could survive and i never wanted my children to grow up in broken home .

You know ,its easier to love your children .Infect it takes no effort,its natural but it takes work and commitment to make you marriage work and if i put my marriage below our children then no way it could have survived
Our children appreciated our bond ,love and commitment. We always worked as a united team.Never downplay each other .Never let our kids to manipulate us

And here i am ,still married with well adjusted kids .

This selfish love or whatever you call it is the back bone of a family .If it crumbles ,family crumbles .So you have to put it first and foremost to make for the well being of a family . I raised my kids with this theory and it worked
I was lucky enough to find a guy like my hubby to share my life with .He was always there for me even though i ignored and neglected him for 5 years .
It was the death of my baby which made me realize how important our marriage is for our remaining kids and how important my hubby is to me.My hubby always loved me unconditionally .He loved me when i was giving him no attention ,he loved and supported me all the time He was with me way back before we even thought of having kids .
My positive relationship and experience made me who i am right now .All these years of being with my hubby brought us really really close .We are really connected to each other now

I really hope everyone can have such marriage.
Its not a cake walk .We have gone through such painful loses but never give up each other because its our love that makes a family "FAMILY"

Our love for each other has grown to new heights now .Its not a butterfly type of love anymore but a very strong bond and kind of unbreakable .I can feel his pain and he can feel mine. Its a new closeness now .A closeness which i never thought possible and that is why i asked this question in the first place.My love for him is still growing .

I respect your views ,i really do . I apologize for everything i said to you

I just wanted you to see things my way .And i am not a bad mom or bad person to put my love for my hubby over my kids.

And one last thing : It is my only and lone profile .I only use it for posting .And i don't know who other posters are.

1inpink3inblue Due December 7 (boy); 3 kids; Switzerland 13391 posts
Apr 17th '13
Quoting vivi12:" @Your basing your whole argument on the idea that your marriage infallible. And continue to call me insecure ... [snip!] ... to argue . My dead child cannot be replaced and if my hubby die tomorrow ( god forbid) he can never be replaced no matter "

trust is a hollow argument. Trust is slow to gain and quickly broken. it is to live in blind ignorance to believe that no one is capable of breaking your trust. I do know people on a personal level who have lost spouses my grandmother for one. Even when the death occurred when they were in love that love fades to fond memories and replaced by new love (at least this is what I have been told on numerous occasions). You are obviously hang out with the wrong people if so many people you know would walk out on their families. And when you love some one you make time for them. But either way you really can't expect your child to devote their lives to you when you are old because they have their own lives to lead. It is a wonderful thing if they do but a good parent would never expect it and would appreciate it if they did. you have said many times that you see your Dh and yourself as one person that you rely on him. That you have made your marriage your primary focus in your life. And that you couldn't see yourself with out him. How is that not directly stating that you place you value on you marriage and by association the life of your DH? And how does that say anything other than you are no longer your own person?When you begin to see yourself as one with another person or become incapable of seeing yourself with out that person and begin to rely on them totally you loss your self as a person. Yeah of course your marriage got better when you started focusing all your attention on it I bet you were happier too. But that is because you started getting something for your effort. Like I said it is easier to turn to a selfish love when your kids can't return the love. And of course your mother would suggest it you said before she put her marriage before anything else as well. I was never married to my DD's father. In my heart i was but never on paper. And if we are going in order to pick who deserves my love most then technically I was a daughter first.... I don't think you were ever on the same page as me and I'm not divorced either. Though if I was I would think it a little stupid and extremely shallow that you should blame me for the abuse I experience with my x. Even if I devoted my every waking moment to my DD (which I didn't) that still would not warrant abuse. I am happily married (most days lol) and I will continue to be happily married but I don't have to wipe my husband's ass to make that happen. I simply tell him every time I think it that I love him (which is a lot and it sometimes annoys him because he says he never get to say it first:lol:). I tell him on a regular basis how much I appreciate him and every thing he does for me and our family. I cuddle up with him on the couch when ever he is watching tv. Kiss him every day before he leaves and every night when he comes home. And try to spend time with him alone every night after the kids go to bed if I can so we can talk or whatever. Other than that there isn't much to making my marriage work. The knowledge that we are simply there for each other is enough to substain us. Of course we have fights and we talk through them (or sometime yell through them lol). And we can piss each other off quite a bit from time to time. I think about punching him in his face at least once a month not that I would. But our problems and our marriage comes second to our kids and responsibilities to them.

user banned Japan 244 posts
Apr 17th '13

@I do know people on a personal level who have lost spouses my grandmother for one. Even when the death occurred when they were in love that love fades to fond memories and replaced by new love

No family member can be replaced .No matter how much you believe.Even if you remarry someone the person will never be the same you married back then .
Its not .I have seen people who have lost their spouses .They kind of lost their identity .

Its even easier to bring more kids in this world and BAM .My dead children are replaced ,no they are not .My little baby boy is not replaced .There is still a void in my heart .I know the same will happen if i lose my hubby even if i marry someone later again.The void cannot be filled by other person.Atleast its not possible for me

@So where you married at 12 or 17?

I was 18

1inpink3inblue Due December 7 (boy); 3 kids; Switzerland 13391 posts
Apr 17th '13
Quoting vivi12:" @linpink I am so sorry for everything .How rude i was . Your story touched my heart.Your ex was an ... [snip!] ... one last thing : It is my only and lone profile .I only use it for posting .And i don't know who other posters are. "

Don't feel sorry for me OP. I once felt sorry for myself I wanted nothing more than to find that kind of love again. I long to have some one to share in all the joys of my children with me and to celebrate all their firsts. Even though I put my all for my DD above all things in my life I craved that love for myself. It was my mom who jogged my senses. She told me to celebrate and enjoy those things WITH my children. That they were what matter. That love would come to me in time but feeling sorry for myself wasn't anyone any good. Still a part of me felt like I had failed my DD by having her in a broken home. I met and eventually fell in love with my current DH. Our relationship was full of hardships from the beginning but we got past all of them. Eventually we got married. And while we have only been married for a year we have been together for almost 6 years and have two beautiful healthy boys together. My experience made me stronger and wiser. I am thankful for it now. If not for everything I wouldn't have my boys. Don't think because I love my kids more than my Dh that I neglect him. I don't. I feel like I am going crazy if I can't get a babysitter at least once a week so Dh and I can just have some time for ourselves. But we both know the kids come first. And we are good with that. We even encourage it. I told Dh today he needed to spend a little more time with our oldest son because he was being supper clingy and it was driving me up the wall lol. I really do understand were you are coming from OP. Don't get me wrong. Marriage takes a lot of focus and effort. And when you have someone who is so willing to be there for you even when you don't feel you deserve it it is impossible not to be over the moon in love with them. I just feel that when we put things in to perspective we see why, how, and who we choose to love in a new light. Children can and often are raised in a very loving happy one parent household. In fact I read an article the other day where they did a study that said children that were brought up in a single parent house hold were the parent was more focused on raising the children rather than on finding a new partner were more well adjusted and successful as adult. I just don't fell that having "both" parents together or being married is that important when it comes to raising children. Loving and caring for them regardless of the situation is. It great that you have been able to show your kids a strong devotion to your husband. I just don't think it is the most important thing you can show them.

user banned Japan 244 posts
Apr 17th '13

I am glad everything turned out fine for you .You have to rely on your kids once you go through such trauma .Atleast kids will not leave us like that .
I can well understand you now and even appreciate you for your honesty
You know i have seen so many single parents who choose their new partners over their kids all the time and its not fair for the kids .I can understand if they are their biological fathers but kids should definitely comes first in blended families

@It great that you have been able to show your kids a strong devotion to your husband. I just don't think it is the most important thing you can show them.

Its a matter of perception though .Kids do need stabilty in home atleast to grow up .I still remember the time when me and my hubby used to kiss each other in front of our kids and they used to come between us to share their kisses .They loved to see how moma dada interact and love each other .It gives them security .

If you find aright partner then you can always raise your kids in a best way .Ofcourse single parents can do the same things but its easier with two parents

user banned Japan 244 posts
Apr 17th '13

Nice talking to you LINPINK . You have given me a whole new perception about relationship and mother hood .Thanks

I am just glad many people agree with me though and i am glad to find there are those who don't .:D

Hope all our differences are settled . I must go now .

Thread closed ( atleast for me)

loser mom 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Oslo, Norway, ,,, Europe 12277 posts
Apr 17th '13
Quoting Sugarhiccup:" <blockquote><b>Quoting loser mom:</b>" I'm not concerned about the stability of ... [snip!] ... of my marriage - we both have the same goals and dreams. Thanks for the insight however. "</blockquote> Love this! :)"

well thanks :)

This is probably the strangest thread I've ever been in... :oops::oops:

NICKEL☮POLIS 2 kids; Ontario 6268 posts
Apr 17th '13

I think it makes perfect sense. They will be gone, he is the one you will spend everyday with. I love my SO and my daughter equally. Differently, but equally. I honestly don't know how it will be in twenty years.