I'm scared of dying .Solange. 1 child; Montreal, 5566 posts
Apr 9th '13

My health is gradually failing me and I finally feel ready to share a little bit of what i'm dealing with since I haven't been on here in a long time.

I was born with spina bifida. Luckily I was able to walk but I had to deal with smaller internal organs as well as being in diapers until the age of 13. (My bladder was so small that when it got full, it would immediately release instead of giving me time to reach the bathroom. Thankfully, a surgery was able to fix that at young age. Anyway, smaller lungs caused me to spend the first year of my life in the hospital. I was able to go home at two years old but needed an oxygen machine at all times as well as extra oxygen given through a mask at the hospital every week. I dealt with anorexia nervosa, depression, suicide attempts, and self-mutilation through-out my teens after the uncle that used to molest me killed himself in front of me while he was baby-sitting me one day.
They eventually diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, as well as ADHD & ADD.

Then, as I became a woman, I met my ex-husband, had our son, and dealt with some broken teeth, a torn ligament in my jaw from being punched and a few concussions thanks to the coward that he is. Basically what i'm trying to say is that my body has been through so much that everytime I get sick or something, I feel myself getting weaker and weaker everytime.

Fast forward to now, i'm having heart and lung problems. I was rushed to the emergency a little over a month ago with my heart aching so bad and not being able to breathe normally. I spent a week in the intensive care unit on the heart monitor and getting every test done. Basically my heart pumps blood much faster than it should, which causes my blood pressure to rise through the roof. I take medications to control my blood pressure but they don't work now because of how fast my heart beats. I have to go every single week twice to be connected to the heart monitor because they can't find the root cause so they are trying out different meds and want to see if theres a change in my heart with a certain medication. Since I can't be in the hospital full time to get those meds through my veins, I have to inject myself twice a day to be able to be home and take care of my son since i'm on my own. The other issue they found is my lungs. After many tests and examinations, they sent a camera down my throat and discovered a blood clot in one of my lungs, and muscous as well as mold in my other one. Had I not be rushed to the hospital, I would be dead right now.

Here is my biggest issue... i'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified. I have been to the hospital countless times, I've been hospitalized after I drove a four wheeler off a bridge etc, but I have never felt scared. I always felt invincable. This is the first time I genuinly fear for my life. I'm scared of dying. Its not something easy to explain. I just feel it. I feel my body is slowing closing down. I just feel it. I don't look the same. I don't feel the same. I don't do the things I used to.

I'm not depressed. I found a new place, getting a new car, my son is happy and thriving, im completely free of my abusive ex. Life is great but... i'm scared of dying. The doctors don't know what I have exactly. Nothing seems to get better, even after all those different meds and screenings.

I'm not sure why I felt like posting this. I guess I just don't want to have to deal with this alone. I'm scared.

.Solange. 1 child; Montreal, 5566 posts
Apr 9th '13

I think that maybe I didn't fear death before because I didn't feel like I had any reason to live, but now I have every reason to live, i'm somebody's mother

Caitlin Brock Due September 21 (boy); Moriarty, New Mexico 7 posts
Apr 9th '13

I cant say I know exactly what you have been thru but I have had multiple abusive exs. Which have caused two miscarriages. I have been suicidal before also. I have also been raped and molested by people who were family. Again, I am not saying that I have been thru the same or that I can completely relate but I do know that if you need someone to talk to or just to vent or anything, You can message me. I wouldnt want to go thru something like this alone either. Im here for you. Message me if you want

.Solange. 1 child; Montreal, 5566 posts
Apr 9th '13
Quoting Tristan and Liams mommy:" Wow.. Im really not sure how to respond to this. It sounds like you've had a REALLY rough life. I dont ... [snip!] ... do for you... but at the least, I can be someone to talk to if you need it. Dont hesitate to message me if you need/want to."

thank you, thats really sweet. I might just do that since you offered. I just don't want to feel like I have to be so alone anymore

Caitlin Brock Due September 21 (boy); Moriarty, New Mexico 7 posts
Apr 9th '13
Quoting .Solange.:" I think that maybe I didn't fear death before because I didn't feel like I had any reason to live, but now I have every reason to live, i'm somebody's mother"

I felt the same when I got pregnant the Second time. I stopped cutting myself and I stopped being suicidal. I realized that I had someone that needed me now and I couldn't think about myself anymore.

oscarsmom Colorado Springs, Colorado 31 posts
Apr 10th '13

Thank God for your strength and perseverance through all of this adversity!! I'm not sure if you know who Joni Eareckson Tada is but she just addressed some of these fears/concerns in a radio broadcast with the organization I work for . . . . here is the link to the broadcast if you want to listen. I know, personally, it provided a lot of encouragement for me.

I Stab People 3 kids; Zambia 6604 posts
Apr 15th '13

what meds do you have to inject? there are several meds for tachycardia, or a pacemaker might be a better choice.