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Lyssa Ashley 1 child; Sanford, Maine 139 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting she nan igans:" I don't think I'd count children who had passed away personally. It just ins't everyones business, so ... [snip!] ... if it's really upsetting you, I think maybe you want to look into talking to someone? Maybe help you better cope with it?"


That's exactly it, I don't point it out to be a conversation starter. I just answer the question of how many kids I have & I have two. It bothers me that I need to exclude one because I want to avoid an unnecessary reaction from people who think that because I brought it up, I want to have a whole therapy session about it. It does hurt me daily, but I don't want to go around having everyone be Dr. Phil for me.

MomNextDoor 2 kids; Grapevine, Texas 8351 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting LEGENDARY JAS ♥:" People being curious is small. Its going to happen, people are nosy. She should not let that bother her to the point that it does."


You're making the loss of a child so... germane. Of course it's going to bother her. She's human. I don't think I could go on living if I lost one of my kids, let alone, not be bothered by questions that remind me of my loss..... :?

Brandie Dawne Due November 10; 2 kids; Mt Vernon, Ohio 1234 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting Asher and Haddie's Mommy:" I've never lost a child... but if I had, I wouldn't think that any amount of counseling would make the ... [snip!] ... my life, but I would be sad every time I had to answer that question. Even though it's a totally normal question to be asked. "

!!! The pain of losing a child never leaves!

Mari-C 18 kids; Nebraska 3695 posts
Apr 3rd '13

Honestly, when people ask "how many kids do you have" I think of the ones I actually "have". If I had a late loss, or a child that was already born and passed due to illness or some other reason, I honestly would not mention it. Simply because I don't feel I need or should explain that to some random person. If I was asked "how many children I've had", that is totally different, and yes I would mention my loss. Like at a doctor's office. The nurses ask how many pregnancies I've "had". That would be 3. I m/c'd one and delivered twice.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Lyssa Ashley 1 child; Sanford, Maine 139 posts
Apr 3rd '13

And just to clarify, I lost my baby at 10 weeks. He/She was barely an inch long when I gave birth and yes, I count him/her just as much as I do my 17 month old.

user banned (girl); TTC since May 2008; Pounding Mill, VA, United States 3612 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" I hate this question. I have two children, but only one of them is here with me on earth. The other was ... [snip!] ... instead of asking about my living daughter or just proceeding with the conversation. >.< Does this bother anyone else?"


30.

Big D! Due October 7 (boy); 1 child; Escondido, California 9518 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" And just to clarify, I lost my baby at 10 weeks. He/She was barely an inch long when I gave birth and yes, I count him/her just as much as I do my 17 month old. "

I would never count my miscarriages as how many children I have because I never had that child...

Vindictive Due July 23; 50 kids; Switzerland 31001 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting LEGENDARY JAS ♥:" *shrugs* Yes, actually I have. If someone asking her about a child that she mentioned bothers her ... [snip!] ... :? Does that sound healthy? If someone tells me that they lost a child, I'm not going to be "Oh ok, well ANYWAY!" Come on."


I would hope that you wouldn't dwell on it, though.



You've never ran into someone that wants to spill their guts about their fertility problems, losses, pain.. because you mentioned having lost a child? That's what I mean by tact. I would NEVER be like, "Oh yeah? My daughter died, too. I know exactly how you feel".. when someone tells me they lost their baby/child. Never. Because that is the last thing they want to hear. They want an, "I'm so sorry".. and for that to be the end of it.



But people don't do that. People dwell on it. They small talk it. It's annoying as f**k and I understand OP being upset over it. It isn't "so small" when it's fresh, and when you're getting that every where you go. I did for a looong time until I realized I wasn't shitting on my daughter by not including her or telling her story to strangers.



At the same time.. I wouldn't (and don't) mention my miscarriages to anyone. I guess I assumed OP had lost a baby further along. My bad.

orlons momma 18 kids; Sewell, 1774 posts
Apr 3rd '13

well my sister past away and ppl how many sibling i have i count her but i say 1 passed away that does leave myself open for questioning but i cant not count her just because ppl r gonna ask how when and more. i just think bad things happen and its sad but its truth n hey you dont have to hide ur hurt imo talking about it helps

Brandie Dawne Due November 10; 2 kids; Mt Vernon, Ohio 1234 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" And just to clarify, I lost my baby at 10 weeks. He/She was barely an inch long when I gave birth and yes, I count him/her just as much as I do my 17 month old. "


In that case I think would say one but I really can't say for sure since I've never had a MC.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting P Pickle Pants:" <blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" I don't think I'd count children who had ... [snip!] ... hesitation about your answer and feel like it was wrong to pretend the baby you held in your arms and watched die didn't exist?"


Without having experienced it I can't say for sure, but I'd guess no. The reason is that, to me, how many you HAVE is present. It's right now. I wouldn't have that child anymore, so they wouldn't be in the count. Not to mention, if I didn't want to talk about it, I would feel like it's better to not talk about it. It's no ones business but my own, you know?



I feel like, even if my first hadn't made it, I wouldn't have counted her in the children I HAVE because I wouldn't have her anymore. She's always be in my heart, but she wouldn't be included in what the intent of the question is. I know they are asking me how many kids I currently have, and I wouldn't consider one who passed away to be in that category. It doesn't mean I don't love them, if just means that they aren't included in what I know the question is asking.

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 47032 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting LEGENDARY JAS ♥:" *shrugs* Yes, actually I have. If someone asking her about a child that she mentioned bothers her ... [snip!] ... :? Does that sound healthy? If someone tells me that they lost a child, I'm not going to be "Oh ok, well ANYWAY!" Come on."


I hate to bring this in here, but I do agree do with you. Personally I dont find a first-trimester miscarriage to be such a horribly traumatic thing. Yes, its sad, but the baby wasnt even viable. Being through it myself, that's just personally how I feel. My mom had six miscarriages before.my brother and I. Does she say that she has 8 kids? Lol.... No. She doesn't. I agree that if a miscariage is effecting her to the point that she can't even be okay with people expressing sympathy when its mentioned, than maybe she needs some help with grieving the loss.




Im not going to try to undermine her feelings because everyone feels differently, but do want to mention that i agree with your stance on her possibly needing help with grieving. I think you could have worded it a lot nicer, though.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" That's exactly it, I don't point it out to be a conversation starter. I just answer the question of ... [snip!] ... a whole therapy session about it. It does hurt me daily, but I don't want to go around having everyone be Dr. Phil for me. "


I can see that, and I'm sorry. However, they aren't doing it to be rude. Honestly, it would seem MORE rude for someone to imply they've lose a child and have the other person brush it off, or not say anything about it. They really, in terms of being polite HAVE to ask for more information. I can understand you dont' want to talk about it, but then I think yu need to just not mention or count it. I just don't think there is a middle ground. =(



It's sort of like, and I know this is different, but sort of similar. I was raped as a child. If someone asks when I had sex for the first time or something, I saw 17. Why? Because I really don't feel I need to explain why the age of 4 or 5 is in there. That may be true, and I may feel that way, but I KNOW that if I say that it will be a conversation I don't wish to have. So I answer the question I know they are asking.

Vindictive Due July 23; 50 kids; Switzerland 31001 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" I hate to bring this in here, but I do agree do with you. Personally I dont find a first-trimester ... [snip!] ... that i agree with your stance on her possibly needing help with grieving. I think you could have worded it a lot nicer, though."


I agree with all of this. My posts would have been a lot different had I realized from the start that this was about an early miscarriage.

Vindictive Due July 23; 50 kids; Switzerland 31001 posts
Apr 3rd '13
Quoting she nan igans:" I can see that, and I'm sorry. However, they aren't doing it to be rude. Honestly, it would seem MORE ... [snip!] ... but I KNOW that if I say that it will be a conversation I don't wish to have. So I answer the question I know they are asking."


They have to ask for more information? Why? They can't just express their sympathy, and move on? No one needs to relate or ask specifics.