I hurt so bad. Belle De Jour Due October 8 (boy); 3 kids; Kentucky 19292 posts
Feb 26th '13

My head hurts, my body hurts, my insides hurt, my eyes hurt. My heart is broken and I don't think it can be mended. It's broken for my poor sister who is having to deal with all of this, it's broken for my nephew who I can never see again, and a small selfish part of it is broken for me.
I haven't slept, I haven't eaten anything since before it happened accept a little bit of food SO forced me to eat and now I just want to puke it up.
My mind wont shut off and I feel that I can't even produce any more tears.
I can't even walk into my room. It's cold and dead in there. I'm looking for a new bed and got new sheets and pillows but I don't think that's going to fix it.
It's that whole room.
How am I ever supposed to go back in there?
They say it was SIDS but I can't accept it. He was fine. He was happy. I just checked on him.
I can't stop replaying it all in my head. No matter how much I try it all just keeps coming back.
People keep offering to talk and I am lost for words. So I sit here and just type it all out. But it wont help anything. It just helps me breathe for a minute.
It doesn't feel real. I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend it never happened. But I can't. I have to be a mother to my children, I have to be the support for my sister, and eventually I will have to look at him one last time.
How am I going to do that? To see his lifeless body? And to know that I was the last person to ever see him alive? I want him back. I want to hold him and to hear his laugh, to feel his cuddles as he plays with my hair. I want him back.

Rita West TTC since Jun 2016; 2 kids; Auckland, New Zealand 7218 posts
Feb 26th '13

I'm so, so sorry for what your family is going through. I can't imagine the kind of pain you're feeling right now. You're in my thoughts :(
RIP little guy.

Jennasmommy:) 1 child; Selma, North Carolina 635 posts
Feb 26th '13

I am so sorry. I know those words seem meaningless. I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I was in tears reading this. *hugs*

user banned 3 kids; Washington 15083 posts
Feb 26th '13

I am so sorry for your and your family's loss.

1inpink3inblue Due December 7 (boy); 3 kids; Switzerland 13391 posts
Feb 26th '13

Oh mamma. I'm so sorry. I know the pain is still very fresh but your probably going to need to get on some meds to get through this. Just try to distract your mind for now. Curl up with your los or dh on the couch and watch a funny movie maybe. Or try and sleep. Praying for you.

☆OGTattedmama07☆ Due July 23; 3 kids; Ghetto, Ca, United States 37045 posts
Feb 26th '13
Quoting Uncle Obama's Banana:" My head hurts, my body hurts, my insides hurt, my eyes hurt. My heart is broken and I don't think it ... [snip!] ... I want him back. I want to hold him and to hear his laugh, to feel his cuddles as he plays with my hair. I want him back."

Omg, nothing I say is going to make this any better, but I am so sorry.

:( No one deserves that.

Mama Lizzy :] 1 child; Texas 5575 posts
Feb 26th '13

I read your previous posts...he is a beautiful baby. Express your grief however feels right.

Grief cannot exist without love <3 It is okay to be broken.

Daesey Due April 14; 1 child; 2 angel babies; Kansas 1482 posts
Feb 26th '13

Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine it... my heart aches for you & your sister :(

This ish is bananas TTC since Mar 2014; 1 child; Georgia 1774 posts
Feb 26th '13

My heart is breaking for you...I cannot stop crying after reading your posts. I am so very sorry. Praying for you and your family. He was so beautiful.

Michael Myers 2 kids; 1 angel baby; visalia, CA, United States 3536 posts
Feb 26th '13

Im so sorry. Im so sad for you :( Im Praying for you, your sister and your family. <3 Pm me if you ever want to talk. Im always here.

Just Niki 19 kids; Oregon 1456 posts
Feb 26th '13

I am so incredibly sorry. He is a beautiful boy and very lucky to have you as his auntie. You, your sister, and everyone else affected by this tragedy will be in my thoughts.

Rest in peace little man.

The Blissful Six 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Massachusetts 10260 posts
Feb 26th '13

Oh my, I'm so sorry!!! My heart hurts for you and your family. *hugs*

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
Feb 26th '13

I'm so sorry. I know I've said it before, and I wish I had more I could do. We are all thinking and praying for you guys.

user banned 17 kids; Boston, MA, United States 9473 posts
Feb 26th '13

it sounds like you arent giving yourself a chance to grieve. you have been through and are going through something so traumatic most of us haven't even faced it in our worst nightmares. you need some time to yourself, or maybe with your sister if you think both of you would be okay with that. dont try to hold up the world, your kids, everything. dont try to belittle your greif because he was your sisters child. you need support just like she does.

I wish we could make it better, i wish we could take it back. I wish somehow all the replays in your head would somehow make the ending change.

Im so sorry :(