Quoting Mama❍Moon:" she'll probably see it as rude but I wouldn't care if I were you. "
I'm at that point. I just don't like conflict and she is very confrontational and depresseing when she doesn't get her way. I will just talk to hubby and see what his opinion is as well. Thanks everyone for the input! I appreciate the different views!
<blockquote><b>Quoting Callie L.:</b>" Okay, so my MIL and I don't get along very well anymore, but she has reluctantly offered to buy a few ... [snip!] ... have the money right now, Oh I forgot, Oh this, Oh that." I just don't want to be cribless when my baby gets here. Thoughts?"</blockquote>
No offence but buy your own stuff!
I ran into a similar issue this time around. Many people wanting to help, but since I wasn't having a shower I didn't know how to ask. I ended up sending an email to my dad, MIL, and SIL (my mother had bought a bunch of other stuff) and told them if they'd like to help to please get us a gift card to this website and that I would be ordering the crib and changer on this day. Luckily dad and SIL pulled through. MIL hasn't but I know money is tight for them so I didn't even say anything :) GL OP
Actually, my MIL does help...a lot.
I just know exactly where you're at since I was there 3 years ago.
And then I grew up. :wink: And my MIl is a wonderful (if annoying sometimes) lady to be around.
Quoting Ladee+Grant+Lilly:" I love my in laws, even though my ex and I are divorcing they still claim me as family and Lilly as their granddaughter. I think we are in a rare minority that like our inlaws lol"
She's not even technically my MIL since my "real" MIL died a few years before I met my now husband. FIL married her a month before we got married.
But OP sounds exactly like I did 3 years ago. Then I grew up. And now things are totally different between us. She watches my 2 year old on Tuesdays while I'm in class. She helps if I ask and vice versa. She likes to pick up stuff for the kids or myself. It might not be my style but I thank her and move on. Meh. The fact that what she gets isn't what I want isn't the important part. It's the fact that she's taken time to think of us and act accordingly.
Grow up, let it go, and appreciate that she even wants to be involved in your life. Many women can't say the same for their MILs.
I'd just buy everything yourself. Don't count on anyone to give/buy anything. My mom has the best of intentions and still didn't get stuff she said she wanted to get. We got everything he needed, down to the last diaper. I think it's something anyone having a child should be prepared to do. Help is lovely if it comes, but never expect it.
Like a lot of ladies said here I would just buy my own crap and tell her that you had specific things in mind. I would just get back to worrying about having a healthy baby and not worry about the MIL because that is what is really all about is the lil one being made.
If she has told you she'll get butthurt if you get it yourself, I would suggest trying to make it a bonding thing. Tell her you would love to go with her to buy the things for the baby together so you can spend some time together, something like that. Maybe that would work and it doesnt sound rude :)
See, when I had my first child I was very young, and did the best I could, used whatever I had available and was just very resourceful. That was almost 10 years ago, I am at a much more financially stable place, and I've wanted a girl for as long as I can remember, I have very specific things I would just LOVE to buy her, I don't feel comfortable leaving it up to anyway else to buy our baby things, she sees that as a dig.
I don't just not want HER to buy major things, my mother (if asked) would help, she would never jump in and say, "Okay I'm buying the crib and if anyone says no, it's going to hurt my feelings really bad." I just can't win with this woman I feel.
So I'm at the point where I am just going to get all of the specific things I've wanted and just tell her, this will be our last child, it it our only girl, we wanted very specific things so we are just going to do it this way.
I have emphasized so many times to her that I appreciate that she wants to help, because I genuinely do appreciate that she even offers, however, her intentions are very rarely pure.
She doesn't like pink so she wants us to use the purple or neutral colored things, we have stated NUMEROUS times that WE would love to do this nursery as girly as possible since we tried for a girl for so long, and this is our last one. I mean can't you all relate to that? My first child I didn't even have a nursery to do. He slept in my room and I just took second hand everything which is PERFECTLY fine, but this time around, I can go all out, I can do all those ridiculous things and have all those ridiculous themes. And I want to. I needed to make sure that before I make ANY MOVES, I hear from 3rd party/neutral people that NOT accepting help is in no way rude in this case.
And PS. Everyone who is STILL stuck on me not buying my own things please read the posts---I WANT TO BUY IT, I CAN BUY IT, I'D BE HAPPY TO BUY IT. SHE. WILL. THROW. A . FIT! is all I'm trying to get across lol.
Quoting Saffy Sly:" Actually, my MIL does help...a lot. I just know exactly where you're at since I was there 3 years ago. ... [snip!] ... I was there 3 years ago. And then I grew up. :wink: And my MIl is a wonderful (if annoying sometimes) lady to be around."
My MIL didn't used to be like this, we got a long GREAT until our wedding day, she can't handle anything not being ALL about her. Her dearest friend of well over 30 years even had to step in and tell her ITS NOT ABOUT YOU OR WHAT YOU WANT! THIS IS THEIR WEDDING!
My MIL hasn't spoken to her since. She liked me before (probably because I bowed down) but when we got engaged she was not excited at all, (because she doesn't like the spot light to not be on her) and then the entire year planning our wedding was like hell. She first threw a fit because I didnt involve her even though I planned my own wedding, and purchased most things via the internet, not in stores. Then when I started sending her pictures of what I was looking at she'd have some rude comment about it and how I should use this instead. She blew me off 3 times for my dress fitting. I finally had to go alone 3 weeks before my wedding day. Thank GOD all that needed done was hemming.
You don't know my MIL so I don't expect you to understand, but you dern sure don't need to get on here and start spewing rude, hateful, comments about me. Someone, you also don't know might I add ma'm.
<blockquote><b>Quoting Callie L.:</b>" See, when I had my first child I was very young, and did the best I could, used whatever I had available ... [snip!] ... posts---I WANT TO BUY IT, I CAN BUY IT, I'D BE HAPPY TO BUY IT. SHE. WILL. THROW. A . FIT! is all I'm trying to get across lol."</blockquote>
I'm in your shoes... SAME SIZE, SAME STYLE. I understand 150% and assure you that you are not alone. My only difference is that this is our first child, a boy, BUT, we are completely capable of handeling everything on our own now as well. And considering it my DH and my money going into majority if it... YES I do want it how I imagined and planned. Otherwise, why would I plan? My MIL has had her baby. Set up the nursery HER WAY, planned her wedding HER WAY.. now its my turn. Heck, my MIL even went behind me and planned a baby shower that involves a seafood caterer (which she knows I cannot eat because of medical reasons) and a liquor bar! She's invited almost 49 of HER friends who I have never met.. DH says they're people she goes out and parties with. She's even said well a lot of them probably wont bring you a gift but they can eat and bring liquor for the bar. I'm embarrassed to invite my grandmother and DH is even afraid to invite his grandparents... So I feel your pain and aggravation. People say just ignore it, but it becomes impossible. And its not like my MIL is a helpless old lady.. she's in her late 40s and is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Sorry for my jumbled rant....
Anyways, at this point, it is not wrong for you to stand your ground and make your life go as you planned. It may seem rude to her but she leaves you no other choice. She has a loud personality and voice that most people can't or don't try to overcome .. so she ends up getting her way. She knows this. So, you have to have a louder personality and voice.
Good luck :) And just a reminder... you are not selfish or ungrateful.
Quoting WrightsWife:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Callie L.:</b>" See, when I had my first child I was very young, ... [snip!] ... So, you have to have a louder personality and voice. Good luck :) And just a reminder... you are not selfish or ungrateful."
Thank you, it seems silly even to me because I am usually not the kind of person to feel so helpless. But when it comes to your in-laws I've just wanted them to like me for so long, and It seems that after the wedding nothing is okay. My Bro in law even degrades me openly at all family events and I either have to stand up and fight or just take it and shut up which neither set well with me obviously.
It's so easy from the outside looking in to just say, "if she's so bad, what do you care? just tell her like it is and move on." Well trust me, I would LOVE to, I am just not looking forward to the reprecussions of doing this, I am her family now and I do have to see them all the time, I don't want to put my husband in the middle of it, but he agrees that him "surprising" me with these items will be the best route to avoid her "feelings being hurt". I think it may be the pregnancy, but lately I feel like EVERYTHING is my fault, and I'm a little over it now.
We appreciate what she is offering, but she is a special kind of MIL she "Accidentally" does things all the time, and we are just stuck. So I'm buying all the exact things we want and planned for and we will let her buy whatever clothes, shoes, pretty much anything else she wants to buy. :) I feel a lot better about it, now. I think maybe I just needed to hear other opinions and views and sleep on it. Thanks everyone!