Self Loathing BreannaMarie90 1 child; California 626 posts
Jun 21st '12

I have this feeling of guilt and a massive sense of loss. I aborted my child at 11wks 3days gestation, just after a few short days of knowing of it's existence. It was so hard knowing that soon I would willingly allow someone to destroy something I so desperately wanted to protect. This was my child and from the moment I knew, I fell in love. - I'd always been the type of person to find pregnant woman so beautiful and I had tried with all of my might before to make past pregnancies work, but I was suddenly going to allow a stranger to remove it from my womb?... What's so wrong with me? I went through with this abortion for the sake of someone else and in all essence, lost myself. I no longer recognize my own reflection. I feel as if I am shifting from the inside out. Hollowing out this shell of existence, for I hate what I have done. Perhaps I too died alongside him/her that day...
The father and I broke up 2 months ago after having been together for 5+ years. (we have 1 child together and had 1 miscarriage) I had though things were getting better between us and I foresaw us one day being together again.. but all hopes and dreams of ever having a sounds relationship with the man I love has now died..
He is dating someone new and she already has 2 children so he says that he does not want any more. With our son that would make for 3 children if things work out between the two of them in the long run, which he is saying he hopes it does.. From the moment I told him about this pregnancy, he made up his mind. He told me I had to have it aborted and that it would not be right for us to keep it because he would never feel for it the way he wishes he could.. He begged and begged and ultimately told me that he does not want anything more to do with me, no new ties and that I would have to choose between his or this unborn childs life..
Hanging that over my head, I reluctantly out of the love I have for this man, made an apt to have a medication abortion..On the day of my apt they performed the ulrasound and discovered that I was further along than what I had initially believed. I was 11wks and 1 day pregnant. At this point I had only known of this pregnancy for 3 days and that kind of news brought me to my knees. I was nearly twice the weeks I had believed to be and was now needing to have a surgical abortion. (My drs office will not perform a medication abortion after 9 weeks.)
I scheduled a new appointment for the big day and was supposed to tomorrow however after telling the father about how far along I was and what had happened, he freaked out and begged me to make a sooner appointment so that I didn't have the time to grow attached and change my mind...

My mind was never made up on anything, I felt like I never had a choice in any of this... I hate to play the role of the victim but I don't know how I'm going to live with this decision for the rest of my life...

$hannie Due October 21 (boy); Grand Forks AFB, North Dakota 203 posts
Jun 21st '12

I am so so sorry you're going thru this =[


Alexandra plus 3 3 kids; 2 angel babies; El Paso, Texas 6745 posts
Jun 21st '12

I'm so sorry :(

PM me if you need ANYTHING

Regina Enriquez Due August 15; San Antonio, Texas 47 posts
Jun 21st '12

I personally never had an abortion, I did miscarry in Oct last year at 16 weeks. I had a friend that aborted her child & I was there for that & I saw how hard that was for her. I would give advice on what to do, but that's just my protective side kicking in for the both of you, but what's done has been done already. I would advise on getting counseling though. You have to know you're not alone-even though it might feel like that. When I miscarried I felt so empty inside & nothing mattered. I wanted to die for failing my child even though ultimately I knew it was just one of those things that wasn't meant to be. There are a lot of resources out there for help & I really hope that you do find some closure in this somehow, however difficult that road may be. I'm not sure about your religion but I know my church has support groups for women who've had an abortion. So maybe looking into something like that as well. Don't let another person ever decide what's best for you though. My first sons dad never wanted anything to do w/ my now 4 year old, but that was his decision. You can't love yourself or your child any less just because some guy decides not to step up to being a man. It's hard but sometimes that's just the way it goes. The best of luck to you & if you ever just need to talk I will gladly be an open non-judgmental ear for you.

RiannaRock 2 kids; Long Beach, CA, United States 8545 posts
Jun 21st '12

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am always here if you ever need to talk <3

tasteofinkk 3 kids; Tulare, California 4108 posts
Jun 21st '12

I am so sorry for wha tyou are going through.
You are not alone.
I can only semi-relate.
When I found out I was pregnant, the BD wanted her up for adoption. That was his first instinct.
I choose to keep my daughter and leave him. Not an easy choice. But it turned out for the better.