How do you forgive yourself? MamaAkemi 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Bowie, MD, United States 1416 posts
Jun 20th '12

I've had my ups and downs about my two abortions that I've had. But I'm having a difficult couple of days. Right now, I'm hating myself. I've been trying to remember the reasons of why I did it, but it's not making me feel any better. In my heart, I made them for the right reasons. I've asked forgiveness from my God and I know He's forgiven me, but I just hate myself right now. I've written my two little angels letting them know that I wanted them, but the circumstances weren't right and that I was being selfish.

I've never really shared my abortion stories because I'm scared of being judged, hated and all the other stuff that comes with criticism. I guess I need to for myself, I guess just to know that I'm not the only one who's made this choice.
Forgive me if this is a little long.

In 2009, my then husband said he wanted a divorce. We were going through trouble and I didn't know what I wanted from him. I had cheated on him during our marriage and we had a difficult time reigniting the passion.

After a couple of weeks, one of my friends (who is my boyfriend) and I started
building an emotional relationship. We were both still technically married and his wife was on the other end of the country.

After a couple of more weeks, we fell for each other and things got physical. A few weeks had gone by and I didn't have my period. I was on birth control and going through a stressful time at work. I was worried I was pregnant, so I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. It was like that for 4 weeks. I even went to the
doctor and he did a blood test. It too was negative. The doctor told me it was
because of the stress that my period didn't come. I continued to take my birth
control like I was supposed to. But a couple of weeks after that, I took another
pregnancy test and it came back positive.

We wanted to keep the child and at one point thought it was ectopic (had pain in my ovaries). But both of us would have gotten in trouble with work and risk losing our jobs. We also were so new in our relationship, we didn't know how things would have ended up. It was selfish and our desire for this not to get out over-rode our desire to keep it.

In January of 2010, I had a suction abortion. I was scared as hell, especially when they told me that he couldn't come back with me. After the procedure was done, I immediately cried. I never got any judgement from the nurses or the doctor, they were all polite. The only judgement I got were from the protestors outside. I didn't see them and they never confronted me, but I know they were judging me. When my boyfriend had walked out to go check on the car, they tried to confront him. He told them in was none of their business.

In 2011, my boyfriend was scheduled to leave for a deployment overseas for 6
months. I had my divorce and his was 3 months from completion. By the time he would have deployed and with the due date, he would have missed everything but the morning sickness. We really wanted children together, but it tore him up at just the thought of him missing everything. We (or at least I) wanted to redeem ourselves from our last abortion. Here we finally have this chance, but he'll miss everything. He became depressed to the point he was shaking and vomiting, and couldn't keep anything down. I couldn't stand to see him like this. So I made the choice to abort again.

This time I went to a different Planned Parenthood. The staff were polite and
nonjudgemental, just like the other one. I still didn't want to give it up, but I
didn't want to put my boyfriend in that situation. I had promised myself and my God after the first one, that I wouldn't do it again. And here I was, doing it again. This abortion was a d&c, but I bled longer with this one than the last. I didn't keep my boyfriend in the dark, but he supported me.

My boyfriend was able to return from his deployment early, but he had been having trouble being honest with somethings. I broke up with him soon after Thanksgiving last year and stayed separated. He would've been there for the birth if I had kept the baby. But with the relationship issues that we had, having the baby would've complicated things.

After a month of being gone and feeling like I was going through hell, we decided to try again for our relationship. We worked on our trust with each other and I
started going to counseling. Our relationship is better than it was before and I
can tell when he hiding things. We still want kids together and I've found out by accident that he's bought and engagement ring. (He slipped and spilled the beans) Sorry, don't know why I felt the need to put our relationship status on here.

It's been a year and 3 months since the last abortion and every now and then, I
have a day like today. I hate myself and I remember all of the wrongs that I've
done. Even though I've prayed and can hear my God tell me He's forgiven me, I still have trouble doing that.

When I look at his second daughter (conceived after my first abortion and born
after my second. Long story behind that, but we've come a long way. Long story short, his ex-wife manipulatied him into having sex with her. She is that smart and manipulative, believe me. I've had my confrontations with her, you just don't try to play her game, you will lose.), I hate myself even more. His ex-wife found out (from a friend who backstabbed me. I confided in her, and she went and told his ex-wife) and she calls my boyfriend a murderer. And somehow, I feel that's for me. So when I looks at Aleks, I see my failure to remain strong and keep the children I had the chance to keep. I've named them, hoping that would help with the greiving (Abel and Caleb).

I still long to have another child so that my son will have a sibling. My son is 5
and has been asking for a brother or sister for the last couple of months. My
boyfriend and I haven't tried conceiving yet because we feel that our relationship, even though it has gotten stronger, needs a little bit longer before bringing another child into the world.

What is so hard sometimes is that when I was a teenager, I was anti-abortion, pro- life, if a woman doesn't want a baby she shouldn't have sex. But I was so niave and close-minded. My viewpoint didn't change until I had to make the decision myself. I was raised Christian and abortion was murder, plain and simple. So being on the opposite side has not been easy.

When I was pregnant with my son, I tracked everything at every week. You know what was being developed and what not. Both of my abortions were at 6 weeks, so I knew that the heart had already developed. After this I realized that the decision is the woman's alone and no one can/should/force the decision for her. Not every situation is the same, there is no black and white and not every woman who gets an abortion is using this as her form of birth control. I do regret my decisions, but know that at the time for me it was the right choice. I have days like today that I hate myself. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you forgive yourself?

Devil's Advocate Beverly Hills, California 18191 posts
Jun 20th '12

I'm working on a paper so I didn't have the time to read all of it but I did read most of this. I have never had an abortion but you have no reason to need to forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. I am sorry you are having a hard time but just remember that you did what was right for yourself and your future family. *hugs*

ღ.ღ.ღ 3 kids; South Carolina 7316 posts
Jun 20th '12

I've never had an abortion, but you did what you felt was best. Have you thought about counseling to help you get through times like this?

The Blissful Six 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Massachusetts 10260 posts
Jun 20th '12

I am so very sorry. You've been through so much. I hope some day you can find peace. *hugs*

Candis♥ 34 kids; Missouri 10350 posts
Jun 20th '12

You just have to know you made the best decision you could with the options that were laid out to you. I hope that you and your boyfriend are able to have the happy relationship you both want. If that invovles more children, I hope you get them. Do not be hard on yourself for doing what you thought was right. I wish the best for you and your family.

liebe Kenzi ❤ 1 child; Marble Falls, Texas 3866 posts
Jun 20th '12

I have never personally had an abortion. I think your reasons are just... As unfortunate as it is for your second one being the circumstances it was in. I don't feel you should have felt like he needed to be there every second of your pregnancy. A lot of military moms have their kids without their husbands even being there. As crappy as it is, he is providing a life for your kids. BUT I am not here to make you feel bad. You did what was right, especially considering what happened outside of him leaving (with his ex-wife and the trust issues). So, you made the right decisions, I can only imagine what you are going through. I cannot imagine having an abortion 'cause I really do not think I would be able to live with myself about it. But just imagine if you had those kids in the life you were living (with the trust issues and what not), you'd be more stressed and maybe even resentful? Who knows. But you have your son, and another child will come when it is meant to... <3 Just be careful. If you ever need to talk you can always PM me on here. :) I tend to be a good ear.

I'm me 4 kids; Kentucky 3109 posts
Jun 20th '12

If you have asked for forgiveness and feel that God has forgiven you then you need to have confidence in God that he can comfort you.

MamaAkemi 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Bowie, MD, United States 1416 posts
Jun 20th '12

Thank you so much everyone. I feels better to tell me story and see that I have others to support me. Until now, I've only had one support and then I've had my counselor. It feels like things have been going well for me and then last night hit. It's great to know I have you guys for support and someone to lean on.

Devil's Advocate Beverly Hills, California 18191 posts
Jun 20th '12
Quoting MamaAkemi:" Thank you so much everyone. I feels better to tell me story and see that I have others to support me. ... [snip!] ... have been going well for me and then last night hit. It's great to know I have you guys for support and someone to lean on."

Hang in there. I would have done the same thing in your position.

castaway 2 kids; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 20306 posts
Jun 20th '12

I never had an abortion, but my husband got a girl pregnant 6 months before we met and she had one, so I've seen the aftermath from his perspective. He casually dated this girl for a short time, and literally, while in the car on the way to her house to break up with her, she called him and told him she was pregnant. With this news, it would never seem believable that he really was going over to tell her that their chemistry was lacking and that he didn't want to see her anymore.... so he stayed. He stood by her for the abortion, and didn't break up with her for a few months afterwards.
He is a very open minded person and never thought abortion was wrong... and still doesn't, BUT it still affects him. It was a piece of him that is now gone because of his decisions. But he, she, and I all know now it was for the best. I can't imagine our life now if they had gone through with the pregnancy.

Point is, life is complicated. You shouldn't judge yourself too harshly because things are rarely black and white, but I hope you heal from this pain that you carry.

~Elliott's.Mommy~ TTC since Dec 2015; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Eugene, Oregon 3817 posts
Jun 20th '12
Quoting I'm me:" If you have asked for forgiveness and feel that God has forgiven you then you need to have confidence in God that he can comfort you."

I agree!

Ive never had an abortion so I dont really know what exactly you're going through, but God has already forgiven you. I think now you just need to try and forgive yourself, if you feel thats what needs to happen and ask God for some comfort. Your babies still love you and they're in heaven looking down at you and protecting you. Praying for you!! I hope you feel better soon!!

That Elise Girl Due September 7; 3 kids; 3 angel babies; Orange County, CA, United States 3005 posts
Jun 24th '12

It's hard, I have days still and it's been 6 years since my last abortion. I also have had 2 of them. Today is one of those days. I get down sometimes, but I just have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing. And I did.

I'm here if you ever want to talk. Hugs!

.MommaBug. 3 kids; 2 angel babies; Dayton, OH, United States 931 posts
Jun 24th '12

To the original question, you don't. I've 2 abortions myself, both last year. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it.

MamaAkemi 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Bowie, MD, United States 1416 posts
Jun 25th '12

Thank you all! Last week I just had one of those days. The next day, my b/f had one, crying over the loss of them. He was supporting me and helping me like all of you were. Then his ex started causing issues and then called him a baby-killer. After he hung up on her, he started crying. Thanks to all of your support and helping me back up, I was able to help him. You all are wonderful in your support.

*Aurora'sMommy* 1 child; Georgia 8 posts
Jun 27th '12

I had one in 2009 and it really never got easier for me. I had a boyfriend that at the beginning was very excited and than changed his mind. I was pressured into a situation and had no support i felt it was the only way, he ended up leaving me the next day i felt so stupid for the decision i made. Now that i am married and pregnant i was so worried at the beginning of my pregnancy that my husband would change his excitement and leave or put me in a situation again. I always think how life would be now with a 2 year old running around. I try and think about the positive of not having the ex boyfriend in my life and how im experiencing all of this with my husband who by the way never changed his mind and is more excited than anything for his baby girl to be here. It never gets better you always think about it but it gets easier to look at yourself better, not hate yourself so much. Counseling is very good for you and your boyfriend.