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OH Brother! 17 kids; Pennsylvania 2257 posts
Feb 28th '12

I keep having these nightmares. Horrible, terrible, crazy night mares. Where It replays again and again in my dream all night. I don't have control to where I can wake up during it. And when I wake up, I'm so terrified to do anything. I just sit there and then I walk around, check on LO and go around to all my closets. I started a new dose of my anxiety medicine, I'm hoping it works. I hate showering when no one is there. SO and I don't live together anymore and its so hard for me to bring myself to shower unless he's phsyically in the bathroom with me....IDK why. I just don't. Things got "better" for about 2 years, but they really weren't. I isolated myself from everyone and everything that had any resemblence to the attack. I can't live like that anymore. I can't not go down certain aisles in the grocery store just because he used axe body spray, I can't not go in the sprinkler with LO this summer because the cold water reminds me of it, I can't be completely attached to my cell phone to the point where I bust into tears if I leave it in the car, I can't look over my shoulder in the grocery store afraid that he'll be behind me. I realized that, so I decided to stop isolating myself. The only thing I realized is, I'm not over it. I need to come to peace with it. And i've been dealing with the repercussions for so long. Talk therapy really doesn't help. But writing it out does. This is what I'm going to use. Its hard. The hardest thing I ever had to do. But I will live in peace. I will come to peace with it. Not the act, not the person, but that fact that it happened.
I have such a warped perception of the world. And I worry that I will push that onto LO. I don't want that. Not everyone is bad, in my heart I know that, but my brain sees everyone as a threat. Its not even about being sexually assaulted, like my thoughts aren't. Its like, if SO doesn't text me back after a few hours, I worry that he got into a car accident and I'll get a call from the hospital. I just think the worst in every situation.....every situation possible, my brain thinks of some stupid, fucked up, twisted, idiotic, horrible reason as to why somethings happening. Instead of a regular response, like in the phone example, he's busy.
This really makes me feel better. I'm taking it one day at a time. But i'm going to do it.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
Mar 3rd '12
Quoting Samsterrrr :):"


I'm sorry hun, I know how hard the nightmares can be. It's good that you realize that isolating yourself isn't healing, and isn't making you better even if it feels like it at the time. I mean, at times we need that, that safeness, but it's good that you're deciding to go further and try to heal. Hopefully the new anxiety meds will help you with some of the fears so you can be a bit more calm.

BG Secrets Arizona 4906 posts
Apr 5th '12

I have held in my secret for 16 years before finally telling my mother just 4 years ago. Even being an adult I still felt the fear and embarrassment I felt as a child when I finally told her.
When I was 7 years old I was sexually abused by my uncle, at first not even realizing it. My uncle (my mothers brother) lives in another country and would visit us once a year. I remember when he would babysit while my mother was at work if I would ask for an ice-cream or and snack/treat he would tell me I would have to do a specific thing to earn the snack. That being I would have to go into a specific bedroom he would tell me which one, undress and do cretin positions on the bed. Everytime was something different it would be something like first bend over and do a summersault then try to put your legs over your head. He would not be in the room, but told me when I was done doing his little obstical course I would have to get dressed and come out and promise him I did exactly what he asked. Me being only 7 he made it seem like it was fun and games. One day I wanted a popsicle and he again came up with new things I'd have to do in a specific bedroom and then when fished I could have one. I remember that day not wanting to do it and just sat on the bed and waited so he'd think I was doing it. I remember sitting on the bed and a red light in the closet caught my eye. I walked into the closet and on the top shelf with a shirt covering it was a camera...
Apparently he had been recording me doing all his strange obstacles that I never understood why I had to do. I just remember feeling scared and not fully understanding. One night he asked me to cone into his room and lay between him and my aunt. It was pitch dark in the room and he took my hand and tried forcing it down his pants. I just remembered feeling hair and got so scared I pulled my hand back and he pretended to sleep and I tried finding my way out the door I wanted to get out of there I was just so scared. In the morning I remember my my setting the table for breakfast and my uncle was there acting as if nothing was wrong and I remember feeling an overwhelming nausea I thought I was going throw from fear from the experience from the night before. I just didn't understand it but I knew I felt scared. I was scared to tell my mom or anyone because I felt like I would get in trouble...
But after 16 years one day during a car ride with my mom, I don't even know why but I told her. She was horrified. She just cried.
She then was afraid he had been possibly doing this to my 2 female cousins since they had always spent every weekend at his house as children. My mother called her sister the next day and told her about their brother and what he had done to me. She that night sat both her daughters down, one then 20 the other 15 and told them what happend to me... Then found out after lots of tears they were also victims.
I feel tremendous guilt that I hadn't said anything sooner. I feel in sone way them becoming victims is my fault. If I would have said something this wouldn't have happend to them too. But as a child I just remember feeling like I'd get in trouble and scared.
I have never felt like a normal child since then. I'd get nausea out of know where and feel scared what now I know are scurry attacks that I've basically been dealing with whole life since this ordeal. Im finally on anxiety and depression meds now for the past 3 years.



At 15, I was raped by a 25 year old man. He was my boyfriend at the times older brother who was supposed to pick me up to take me to see my bf. But instead took me to his apartment and raped me. I have never told anyone about this incident was scared of him.

ClarkA Due June 18; Wyoming 163 posts
Apr 7th '12

you ladies are so strong. I thank god my abuse was never this intense or long.

CandVsmom 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Troy, Missouri 1050 posts
Apr 10th '12

I just got past the four year mark since the day I was raped.I was walking home and I met a friend on the way home,he talked me into "taking a back alley to get home" he dragged me into an alley with some other guy,with baseball bats.I was brutally raped.A guy found me and called an ambulance.Part of my skull had to be removed to allow my brain to stop swelling,which they replaced with an acrylic piece.My left arm,wrist,and hand were broken.6 of my ribs were fractured.My femur had a hairline fracture.My right knee was completely destroyed and replaced with an acrylic cap.My left ankle and foot were also broken.My eyes were swollen shut.I was in a coma for 3 weeks also.It's been four years as of April 6th.

Queen_B 1 child; Wichita, Kansas 902 posts
Apr 21st '12

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BG Secrets Arizona 4906 posts
Apr 25th '12

I have never told anyone the whole story of what happened to me so I decided to do it anonymously on the bg secrets account. I am trying to be a survivor and not a victim and by getting my story out there I hope I will be one step closer to that. So here is my story.



I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I was 7 when it started. I still remember how it started as if it was yesterday. I was playing out in my backyard and my dad had gone into the house to get something. I was bending over to pick up a horseshoe and he grabbed my butt. It really confused me and I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything. He started doing more to me. It started with rubbing my butt as I walked by. Then it got scarier, he started rubbing the front also. I was so afraid to be anywhere near him. He told me if I told anyone about it, they wouldn't love me anymore and at 7 I believed him. This went on for about a year and a half.



Everything changed when I was 9. I developed early and it just added to the abuse. I was the only one in my class with b**bs and hated it. Not only because I felt like a freak but because he had something new to play with. Then he started putting his hand down my pants and it terrified me. I was 9 years old and I had no idea how to stop him. He would put his hand down my pants and lick my neck and ears and tell me how beautiful I was. I hated him but couldn't do anything. He would tell me more and more lies to keep me quiet, He told me if anyone found out I would have to go live with another family because my mom and dad would get in trouble. So I stayed quiet. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to molest me. He would do it any time he could get me alone, so I tried my hardest to never be alone with him. It was hard though because we were living off and on with my grandparents. I avoided him as much as possible mostly hiding in my aunts room with her.



My father died in November 1998, I was 11 at the time. The abuse was still going on at that time. After he died the abuse got worse. He started to put his fingers inside me and trying to lick me down there. I would cry every time.



This went on for another 7 months. I was at my grandparents house and I wanted to go home I didn't want to stay there. So I asked my aunt if she could take me home. Her son was sick so she couldn't do it. So my grandfather offered to drive me. I begged my aunt to take me, I didn't want to get in the car with him. I had a really bad feeling about it. After a half an hour of begging he ended taking me anyways. On the way home he stopped the car on a deserted road. He started to unbutton his pants. Then he tried to undress me, he got my pants off and tried to get on top of me. I started crying and he tried to calm me down. He told me he wanted to show me how much he loved me. He was going to rape me. He then said he couldn't do it tonight but he would do it. He drove me home. I was shaking when I got out of the car.



That night my mom asked me to go sleep in my room. This was odd because I always slept on the floor in the livingroom with her when it was just me and her there. I woke up in the morning to my moms nurse telling me to go out the back door and go to my neighbors to call my aunt. I went to my grandparents house. I didnt know what was happening. My grandmother called the hospital about 2 hours after I had gotten there. They told her that my mom had passed away in the abulance on the way to the hospital. I was in shock. My aunt asked me to go outside with her to talk. She then asked me if my grandfather had been touching me. I was shocked she would know this. I then told her that yes he has been.



When we told my grandmother she told me I was lying and was just making things up to get attention. So I was now a liar and a horrible person. It took my aunt and another female family member to come forward with similiar stories to mine for her to believe me. There was no justice for him to pay though. He didnt get any charges on him. My grandparents separated but he was still living there. He started going to church thinking it would make up for what he did in the past. My grandmother died a few years later. Then he died months later. I hope he burns in hell for what he did to me and others. I spit on his grave every time I go to see my dads grave. It is hard for me to visit my dads grave because my grandfather is buried right next to him and his grave just makes me angry and sad. I want to believe he is paying for what he did but in my eyes he will never suffer enough for taking my childhood from me.



He still haunts my dreams, I just can't get away from him. Even in death he is still a big part of why I don't trust men. I have horrible nightmares where I am little again and he is still abusing me. He is still a big part of how my life is now and because of him I spent most of my teenage years getting into bed with different men trying to feel something. At the time I thought the only way to be loved was through sex and sexual favors. My husband saved me though and showed me that love is so much more then that. I still struggle with what happened to me and what it caused everyday of my life though. My husband doesnt even know how long or the extent of the abuse because I am embarrassed and still feel like I could have done something. I should have told someone but was too scared. I am still scared of people not understanding and of them thinking of me differently because of it.

Belle De Jour Due October 8 (boy); 3 kids; Kentucky 19292 posts
Apr 26th '12

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_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
Apr 26th '12
Quoting Reilly and Lila's Mommy:" "


Hey hun. I don't know the whole story but I wanted to remind you that I'm always here if you need an ear or anything from someone who won't judge you. I've been there. *hugs*

R(♥)S TTC since Nov 2011; Australia 1057 posts
Apr 30th '12

I was sexually assaulted by my mother's boyfriend (she is still with him, 11 years later) at 15 years old. And then at 16, I was raped by my ex best friend's brother.



A lot to take in, but something that daunts you for life.

Juliette 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Olive Branch, MS, United States 3015 posts
May 9th '12

I was sexually assaulted last night. He is/was a very good friend of mine. I haven't showered yet, but I am not sure if I want to report it or not. I am moving 500 miles away this weekend and will never have to see him again. I don't want to have to relive it, i just want to get over it. I am all for going to counseling and stuff... I just don't want to have to explain to the cops (who I know) what happened. I don't want to relive it any more than I have to. Has anybody else not reported?

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
May 9th '12
Quoting Juliette:" "


I'm so sorry you went through that.



There are lots of women who don't report. That is completely up to you. However, if you don't go to the hospital then you lose the ability to later because a lot of evidence will be lost. However, it is your choice what to do, 100%. Sometimes I wish I'd prosecuted him, but other times I don't. I know at least trying to prosecute makes a lot of women feel better, but it's totally your choice in how you want to proceed.

Juliette 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Olive Branch, MS, United States 3015 posts
May 9th '12
Quoting Teagans_Mom:" I'm so sorry you went through that. There are lots of women who don't report. That is completely up ... [snip!] ... I know at least trying to prosecute makes a lot of women feel better, but it's totally your choice in how you want to proceed."


I don't think I'm going too. I just want to move on.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
May 9th '12
Quoting Juliette:" I don't think I'm going too. I just want to move on."


It's your choice, and no one should ever force you to make a different choice. You might want to talk to a rape crisis hotline or something before you make the choice though. Some women feel empowered by prosecuting their attackers. You can also get on BG secrets and ask the question if you don't want people to know you're asking and you'll likely get more responses on here. If you do that I can delete my responses here. If you're comfortable you can ask it on your regular account.

Juliette 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Olive Branch, MS, United States 3015 posts
May 9th '12
Quoting Teagans_Mom:" It's your choice, and no one should ever force you to make a different choice. You might want to talk ... [snip!] ... responses on here. If you do that I can delete my responses here. If you're comfortable you can ask it on your regular account."

I'm fine with it. I only have 1 friend on here that I know personally. I haven't showered yet, because i am still talking to my husband about weather I should press charges, but i really just don't want to go through that.